Penny Flame a Recovering Porn Star

She writes on her blog about her recovery on April 29, 2009:

My name is Jennie, and I’m an addict. (Hello Jennie.) 

I just masturbated for the first time in 25 days. The let down was huge, like doing a line of cocaine, 20 minutes after wishing for another, my body is left tingling, but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied. The session didn’t last more than 4 minutes, and the climax was 30 seconds max. So I went for another. Body still buzzing, but the feeling that I could sit here all day and try to recreate that first one washes through me, and I know I have to bid my vibrator fair well.

My name is Jennie and I am a sex and love addict.

I graduated from a rehab clinic 5 days ago, and haven’t known what to do with myself since then. My therapist Jill says I need to create a structured day plan Sunday through Sunday, and it is within this structure that I may find my life. She says occasionally things will pop up that interfere with my plans, but like life, these things will be dealt with moment by moment. I’m still unsure of what healthy masturbation is, but recognizing the feeling and memory of my old habits helps me see that I am not ready to partake of my ”self” yet. Even after three weeks of intensive therapy, I know that I am not ready for sex. Even with myself.

Today is a big day, as every day has been since my release upon the world. Its funny. I went to jail a couple years back for an OUI, had to do a 24 hr stint in the big house, and upon my release, I put out press saying “Penny Flame is freed upon the world again.” This release feels entirely different. It feels like Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are. And this is why I have decided to leave Penny behind, and move forward in life as Jennie. The person I started this world as, and the person I will be leaving this earth as. Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies. The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me.

And I am amazed.

I am amazed at the amount of change I’ve gone through in such a short period of time. I’m amazed that even in being out of rehab, I wish to return to the comfortable structure that PRC provides. I’m amazed that looking out in the valley does nothing but make my stomach churn when thinking about the life and woman I am leaving behind. And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind. The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts.

Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna. The next Bella. And now, perhaps they will come to be the next Penny. Unfortunately, none of these people are real people. Jenna has a real name, and life, as does Bella. And now I can too.

My name is Jennie Ketcham, and I am a recovering pornstar. And addict. This day, as every day, is the first day of the rest of my life, and I intend to live it to the fullest.

Shelley is inspired by Jenni and writes:

I was so touched when I read Penny's blog. I saw so much of myself in her as I read about her leaving the emotionless character "Penny Flame" behind and becoming Jennie, the woman who was meant to live life to the fullest.

As I read her blog I cried because I know exactly what it feels like to leave an old life, an old person behind who lived in many lies and to have the courage to try and be someone new. It was the emptiest and most frightening time of my life. I didn't know what color this new person would like. (My favorite color while in the sex industry was black of course). I didn't know what foods this new person would enjoy. I didn't know what it meant to be a real Mom or even how to be a normal person who could interact with normal people. I couldn't handle daylight and always wanted the curtains closed. The first couple years I was the only person I knew who wore sunglasses everywhere I went and I even lived in dark and rainy Washington State!

Um yeah, I was a little wierd during my early recovery. Hiding my demons and pain behind a pair of sunglasses with a pack of kleenex in my purse. I never knew when I would have an outburst and just start crying. Oh but wait, porn stars don't cry. We don't do that. We're tough. Wrong. I bawled my eyes out for three years straight. Ask my poor husband who had NO idea what to do for me except pass the kleenex.

It was a very frightening time of recovery and discovery for me and only the love and power of Jesus Christ got me through it. God helped me bury that old woman "Roxy" and create a whole new person named Shelley who I could look into the mirror again with diginity and self-love. It took me eight years to recover but today I know who I am. I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know my favorite color is hot rose pink. (smile)

I also know the seriousness of the call on my life to expose the lies of pornography and to reach out to those who exist as "characters" in the porn wonderland of lies and help them become real people again. People who are made for greater things than porn. Beautiful people who are called to use their giftings and talents to make their special mark on history.

Because of the seriousness of this call, I admit, myself and my family have lost much of the life we worked hard to build. We lost our privacy. We lost our time. We lost almost everything normal in our life. Everywhere I go, people tell me about their pain from porn addiction or sometimes people feel strange around me. My daughters' friends ask them why I was on MTV or why I was a porn star. My little girls don't get to grow up like most other little girls. Yes they're involved in sports and music lessons and we do everything we can to make their lives seem normal but it will never be normal for our family again. We fight porn and help porn stars. Even the church doesn't feel comfortable doing that. Just the word "PORN" makes people extremely uncomfortable.

Hmmm...I wonder why.

Yeah it's pretty strange around here. I also now have what I call SDR syndrome where I am utterly exhausted by the suggestions, demands and requests I receive all week long from people all over the world and from all different walks of life. I don't sleep right anymore and porn is in my dreams. A psychotherapist friend told me recently I may have some disorders and an ulcer due to "occupational hazards." Um, ya think?

I admit for the first time since I began this fight four years ago I have actually thought about quitting. Man I hate that word!!! But I'd rather die than quit. I hate porn. I hate seeing women and men lied to and destroyed by this industry. I hate seeing children violated by porn and how they imitate porn stars and use their cell phones to make porn videos with their friends. I hate hearing from wives how devastated they are because of their husband's addiction. I hate hearing how men have lost their families, jobs and friends because of their addiction and something in me screams out  "ENOUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Enough is enough. Porn has to come down. I don't know if it will come down in my lifetime but I do know I will fight the good fight of faith and blaze a trail that hopefully millions of others will join me on and stand up against this huge evil and ultimately porn will be removed from the face of this earth and families and people will be whole and healthy again.

My recovery was strong. My glory years at the end of my recovery were absolutely amazing. I had it all. The healthy and romantic marriage, the strong and healthy kids with lots of family fun, where being a Mom and Betty Crocker brought me so much joy and of course the highlight of my day was spending time with God in my rose garden. The word porn wasn't even mentioned in my home for 10 years. But then the call from God came, the chains were slapped on and now our life is very different. My family is fighting porn and it's not glamorous.

But no matter how dark it gets, we trust God. We KNOW God is with us. We KNOW this is is His work. We KNOW He is all powerful and all knowing and is perfectly capable of sustaining our family through anything.

Please pray for our family for a greater supernatural strength to keep going. Pray for more resources to come in so we can really help people trapped in porn. Pray for Jennie that she would recover strong and know the amazing love of God. Reading her blog again I noticed she wants nothing to do with God. She just doesn't know how good He really is. Please pray she would experience Him in a personal way. Please also continue to pray for other precious women recovering. Pray harder than you ever have before. We need more people praying. We KNOW God hears your prayers and is setting people free from the porn industry and porn addiction because of those prayers.

You may also see more of our prayer needs here.

We love you and thank those of you for praying and supporting our family and the work of Pink Cross Foundation. We definitely could not do any of this without your prayers and support.

Love and much gratitude,

Shelley