With all the endless porn on the internet, you’d think you could never get tired of watching it. However, many people do end up growing tired of porn. What if you’re looking for something more exciting and real? Sexting may be the answer for you. Don’t have anyone to start sexting with? That’s okay, because thanks to the internet, anybody can find a sexting parter and start trading nudes with ease.
Start Sexting Today
If you want to sext with a local girl, then you can begin today. Simply create a Sexting account, then search for girls that are near you. Once you’re matched with a girl then it’s just a matter of messaging her and asking to see her nudes. If she says yes, then send her a sexy selfie or a sexy video to get her even more excited.
The Rules of Sexting
If you’re new to sexting, here are the most important rules to follow:
1. Be Nice
As mentioned, you should be nice. There’s no way you can send a nude selfie of yourself if you’re really mean. If you’re being critical, you can hurt your chances of a good sext. Other people are often more honest than you think, so you may get a better response if you don’t be mean.
2. Have Fun
This is your chance to have some fun. Treat it like a game that you’re playing with someone. That said, keep it professional and have fun. No one’s going to put a lot of time and effort into a sext if they’re not having fun.
3. Learn From Your Mistakes
This is actually more important than you’d think. It can be easy to just go all out in your first sexting attempt. However, it’s a good idea to learn from the mistakes you make. That way, you can make sure you don’t make the same mistakes next time.
How To Take Nude Selfies
Everyone wants to nice looking nudes. However, if you don’t have the right equipment, you may not be able to take great nudes. Here’s a guide to help you take some great nudes:
1. Find the Right Camera
If you want a really nice looking nude selfie, you need a camera that is well-lit. That’s why you should look for a camera that has a flash. Most people are put off by the idea of taking a nude selfie, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great looking nude. Take the time to try a few different cameras and you’ll soon find one that suits your needs.
2. Be Careful
When you start taking pictures of yourself, you need to be careful. You don’t want to end up looking like a lumberjack. Put your camera up so that you can capture your face, but make sure you don’t want to use your camera as a mirror. It’s a good idea to take a few selfies in advance of your sexting session.
3. Use a Flash
With the right camera, you can take some great nudes. However, you need a flash to help capture the right lighting.
Sexting is a way of meeting people online and exchanging nudes. If you’ve never tried it, then you’re missing out on a great way to meet new people. I think that it’s so easy to find a partner on a sexting website. So, if you are looking to meet local girls for a dirty chat session or hookup, then you should try it out.
We looked at the best sugar dating websites and gave you an overview of the best places where you can meet a sugar daddy or sugar baby.
If you’re a rich man who likes to pamper the women he’s dating, then you’re probably looking for an app for sugar daddies. In this article we did a lot of research to find the best sugar baby sites that give you the most for your buck and that’s your buck.
SugarDaddyMeet is a sugar daddy website linked to internet dating sites serving millions of people with different interests.
SDM specializes in finding matching Sugar Daddy babies and filters your search for the right partner. Whether you’re looking for an arrangement with a respectable, wealthy older man interested in meeting beautiful young women, sugar dating is exactly what you want.
Sugardaddie claims to be the best dating site for sugar daddy and baby matching, citing his big profile mentions on Fox News, CNN, Dr. Phil and the BBC.
If this is the Sugar Daddy dating site you want to try, you’ll need to invest some time in hundreds of profiles to find the most intriguing Sugar Babies. If you make it through the verification process, you will find that there is no shortage of incredible women who want to meet wealthy men.
SecretBenefits.app is yet another website that connects sugar daddies seeking sugar babies. If you’re tired of typical dating apps and just want something fast and simple, then this one is for you. When we signed up to test it, we found hundreds of women online in our area, and most of them were down to chat right away. This app hasn’t been around as long as some of the others, but we think it’s starting to become the best, if it’s not already there.
Ashley Madison is the best sugar daddy dating site when you’re married. If you’re engaged and itching to have an affair with your wife, try Ashley Madison as a concierge for adultery.
Why Use Sugar Dating Sites
Sugar dating is promoted for people who want to connect in a beneficial and good relationship. Those who want to offer sugar babies, sugar dads and sugar mums a beneficial relationship.
Whether sugar daddy or sugar baby, the first meeting is highly coveted in public. There is no sugar money on sugar daddy’s websites, and the words “arrangement” and “spoiled” underscore the transactional nature of the relationship.
The prices for joining these sites are not always clear, but for those looking for an account, most offer a free login for babies and charge a fee for daddies.
The average sugar daddy spent $57.10 a month on sugar dating sites. Whatever your price on the best sugar daddy sites for men looking for casual dates.
Many young men and women have embraced the idea of making arrangements that can be described as beneficial to both parties. Sugar Daddies and Sugar Baby Dynamics have become increasingly popular with the rise of online dating and sugar dating sites.
Jan, formerly known as Elizabeth Rollings, left porn in October, 2007 and shares her story in an interview with Shelley Lubben.
ER: I was in my first movie because of an ad I answered on craigs list off the internet. I needed money and it sounded easy to do so I thought, why not? I knew it was wrong but I needed quick cash and of course it was legal, right? So I did the movie and never told anyone until months later when I decided to do it full time.
SL: Tell us about your childhood.
ER: My mom and dad divorced when I was three. My dad was a weekend dad and my mom took all of the responsibility raising us. We never had much of anything but my mom always tried to make sure that my older sister and I stayed in good schools and out of bad neighborhoods. My mom met a man when I was about 6 or 7 who whisked her off to Europe often and she would leave us with her side of the family. This went on for the next couple of years until my sister was about age 14 and I was about 11. We ended up homeless and went to live with our Godmother who was very spank happy to to say the least.
I was becoming very bitter about my mom and dad not being there even though I had accepted God in my heart at 7. When I was in 8th grade is when all the trouble began and I started noticing boys. There were a lot of gangs and gang fights and because of that I needed protection. I turned to clicks and pot heads and underage parties and smoking cigarettes and boys. I was only 13 years old.
I was in a world of trouble when I met “Candyman”. Candyman was a gangster and offered me protection and a lot of attention. He took me home to meet his parents. I trusted him and thought he loved me. He tied me up and raped me. This was my first sexual experience. When he was done, he told me if I said anything I would be hurt worse by him and his friends. Gangs began to harass our family so we moved out of the neighborhood.
In high school I was into getting high and smoking cigarettes and having sex with my boy friend. Even though I was an A student, we constantly partied and had sex. At age 17 I ran away from home. My boyfriend and I were living in a friend’s rat infested basement for 200 a month and soon I became pregnant. I attained my GED and traded in my hopes of becoming a nurse for becoming a mom and wife. I married my boyfriend and we had three children together.
SL: What led you into the sex industry?
ER: I worked off and on sometime two jobs to make up the lack of my husband’s laziness. He never wanted to work. I got involved in prostituting at 19 and I worked for a women who had about 50 other girls working for her. I did topless massage and dominatrix work off and on for two years. I also pursued modeling because it had always been a passion of mine to be a model even though I am plus size. My husband knew I was doing sex work and didn’t care.
I always loved to act and was involved in school plays growing up. I did a lot of promotional modeling and some street acting, but having to work a 12 hour shift as a cna (certified nursing aide) and take care of three kids kind of killed the dream. My husband and I divorced in 2004 for obvious reasons and my financial stress grew and grew. I had been to church a couple of times but to me it wasnt enough. I felt like a horrible mother and provider. I made my first porno after answering an ad in craigslist. I felt so ashamed and yet sexy at the same time. Even though the money was good, I had no intention of doing another one.
I ended up doing about 40 movies, 20+ websites, 3 magazines, 3 expos, countless online interviews and finally my own website. But yet I have nothing to show for it.
SL: What was the porn industry like?
ER: I was in Las Vegas so I had to drive back and forth to the porn industry in California four times a week. The money was great and my new boyfriend who recently lost his job, was loving every minute of it, traveling, seeing me have sex with other men and with other women. To him we had it made. I started making a name for myself in the BBW niche. I was in high demand and started loving the attention. My kids were fed, happy and had what they needed when they needed it. My boyfriend and I stayed in nice hotels and ate at good resturants. I bought him things and even helped him out with his own kids.
I got more and more requests for fetish films. After much pressure from porn producers, I finally caved in and did a 25 guy movie. I never thought I would have done something like that. I felt disgusted and violated, but what was I going to do? I was paid well for it and needed the money desperately.
SL: OH MY GOSH. What was it like to make a 25 guy movie?
ER: For two days I had to fast. I drank heavily one day prior before I did the movie. When I got on the set I felt really sick to my stomach. I wanted to turn around and run when I walked through the door and saw all the male porn stars and film crew standing there. I zoned out and wanted it to be over. I kept saying to myself, “this is going to be over in an hour. You can do it.”. I wanted to break down and cry but I hid behind my fake smile.
During the movie I mentally and emotionally checked out and felt like I died. I don’t remember real well the pain and trauma I went through. After it ended, everybody wanted to take pictures with me and get my autograph. Here I am standing there with bodily fluids all over me and people wanted to take pictures with me. It was horrible. My body was sore the next couple of days and I wasn’t right mentally for two weeks after that. I wasn’t able to use to the bathroom right either. My internal system was totally messed up. SL: Did you lie to your fans and clients? What lies did you tell them?
ER: Of course I lied to my fans. I led them to believe I lived a fantasy life which was far from the truth. I fed into their fantasies. I said I wanted sex 24/7 and made it seem like I absolutely loved what I did and was living this happy life. I gave them hope and insight into their relationships by telling them what to do, or if I were with them what I would do to them. I started to feel like an important nobody, they knew Elizabeth Rollings, but they would never care to know Jan.
SL: Were you exposed to drugs and alcohol?
ER: Yes, the first time was at the 2006 AVN Porn Convention after party. I didnt do them but saw other porn stars using drugs. I was seriously tempted to but instead I got drunk and fooled around with a lot of other people in the “sex room” of the suite. I was still kind of new to the industry but I think after time, I would have used drugs. I always drank heavily before I did a movie.
SL: In your experience, how many other porn stars or sex workers use drugs and alcohol?
ER: I would guess around 90%. It becomes an escape route to reality, a temporary vacation from it all.
SL: What was the worst thing about the sex industry? Or a worst experience for you?
ER: The feeling that you are not in control of your own life. You have to submit to others (producers, agents, etc..) no matter HOW important you think you are, you’re not in control. Being called a bitch and being told it was all apart of “acting” the part. Having men do disgusting things to me and even if it hurt, I had to make it seem like I was enjoying every minute of it. I hated it.
SL: Where was God while you were in the sex industry?
ER: In my heart and in my subconscious, pulling on my heart strings, painfully and patiently waiting. Many times God saved me from harm, especially from sexually transmitted diseases.
SL: Why did you leave the sex industry?
ER: I left because I was on the verge of suicide. I hated who I had become. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated not having any “real” relationships with people and most importantly I was desperate for love. There is a website on me for which I have no part in, the man who owns it will not take it down. I had a contract with him and put much time and effort into this site, but after 8 months of mental and emotional abuse, financial threats and much more, I chose to part ways with him. He made threats to “break” me financially because I wouldn’t bend to his will. I told everyone I could that I wasnt associated with the site anymore and he was not happy about it. My nerves were shot, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was physically sick and had to go to the ER for a nervous meltdown, enough was enough. I didn’t care about my name anymore. I didn’t care about a temporary financial fix. I wanted to be a good Mother for my children and show them that life is not about the easy way out of things, but about the road less traveled. I left for the sake of my sanity and my soul.
SL: Where are you now in rebuilding your life?
ER: I’m struggling with finances and I don’t know how my bills are going to be paid, rent, food, supplies, but I know God is faithful and I’m NOT turning back again. I’m back in with my church and just started a job at Starbucks, for which I’m so grateful to God for. I’m honestly on the verge of losing a lot, but have a peace I haven’t felt in years. I know God is with me and has a plan for my life.
I met Jersey Jaxin in the summer of 2007 where she shared her painful story with me. She spoke about many sad things in her life from sexual abuse from her father to the abuse she went through in the porn industry.
She made me cry during our meeting quite a bit but especially when I asked her what she did in her off time when she wasn’t doing porn and she replied, “I hold my roommate and we just cry”.
That TOTALLY messed me up when I heard it. Two months later this precious woman calls me and says, “Guess what Shelley, I’ve left porn for good!”
It totally blew me away and I knew it was God!
She allowed me to tape our conversation and you can listen to us talk here about how she left porn and the abuse she experienced in the porn industry. I want you all to hear and know the truth from the very mouths of the women who make porn. I want you to know that there IS NO FANTASY in porn and that women suffer abuse and degradation EVERY SINGLE DAY! Tanya will definitely make sure you understand that in her interview. She is very outspoken about the evils of porn.
She wants you to know that Jersey Jaxin is now dead and that her real name is Tanya and that it’s time for Tanya to be the person that God meant her to be. She even cleaned up her myspace to show her fans and all of us that she is serious and is never going back to porn.
Please visit her myspace and leave her encouraging comments as this will really bless her and give her strength to rebuild her life. I am so thankful for all of you because God is using you powerfully to encourage and strengthen women who leave the porn industry. Just look at how well Sierra Sinn and Becca Brat and others are doing because people like YOU really care. Please pray for Tanya as she still has a very long and hard recovery ahead of her. She is facing some challenges but I know with your prayers, the Lord will see her through. Thank you for caring about women trapped in porn.
I’m a former XXX actress and was called “one of the smallest, youngest and cutest porn stars in the business. I’m 4’11, really short and weigh in the 90’s. I’ve starred mostly in “teen” porn, which means fans liked me because I looked “barely legal”. I left porn in September, 2007.
My life can be summed up in one word: ABUSE!
The porn industry was a shock. My first two scenes I didn’t know what to do. I just stabilized and went along with what everyone else was doing. After that, I was like, throw me in I’m ready to go. Tanya did 20 scenes in her first month.
My scenes involved extreme videos with very hard sex acts with several performers at the same time.
“I’m just tired of the industry. The way they treat you as though we are just a piece of meat. That we don’t have a mind and our body is everybody’s and we have no soul.” Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending. You’re viewed as an object and not as a human with a spirit. People don’t care. People do drugs because they can’t deal with the way they are being treated.
Seventy five percent and rising are using drugs. Have to numb themselves. There are specific doctors in this industry that if you go in for a common cold they’ll give you Vicodin, Viagra, anything you want because all they care about is the money. You are a number. You’re bruised. You have black eyes. You’re ripped. You’re torn. You have your insides coming out. It’s not pretty and foofoo on set. You get hurt.
The main thing going around now is crystal meth, cocaine and heroin. You have to numb yourself to go on set. The more you work, the more you have to numb yourself. The more you become addicted, the more your personal life is nothing but drugs. Your whole life becomes nothing but porn.
I was a drinker. I drank a lot. Vodka was my drug. Vodka was my numbing toy. Before sets, after sets, and if it was a set where people didn’t care, they’d have it there waiting.
You may see a 45-minute set that took us 13 hours. We’re ripped, we’re tired, we’re sore, we’re bleeding, we’re cut up, we have dried semen all over our faces from numerous guys and we can’t wash it off because they want to take pictures. You have this stuff all over you and they’re telling you, “Hold it.” It is never straight flowing sex.
Four words girls can say are: Stop, Halt, Pain and Don’t. “You can say anything you want and they don’t’ listen”. There’s the ultimate thing where you squeeze their leg to ease up and most of them don’t care. They have another scene to go to. It’s all about the money. They’ve forgotten who they are and they don’t care who they are hurting.
I’m on the road right now heading to a different life. I’m going to try to make it as a normal person because I’m done. You have no soul in the porn industry. – Jersey Jaxin
I started in the porn industry back in 2003 when I was 19. It started with me doing a little nude modeling here and there, then it progressed into internet work and then I met an “agent”. It all went downhill from there. The money was great for a 19 year old! But I didn’t enjoy being on set and feeling degraded.
I loved the attention from everyone but now that I look back, that’s not the kind of attention I deserved. But, I was young, naive, motivated by the money and the “fame”. It was easy for an agent to take advantage of me, and many did.
Over the course of my porn career I have been belittled and treated like a piece of trash more than I could have ever imagined in a lifetime I would. I wasn’t a woman in any of these directors eyes, I was nothing to them. The male talent at times were nice, but sometimes, they were horrible. I’ve had men choke me, slap me, thrust me so hard until I couldn’t walk and this would happen even after I would tell them to stop. They have no respect for women.
There were always drugs and we would binge on Ecstasy, Cocaine, Marijuana, Valium, Vicodin and alcohol. I thank God I am even still here! I also did “escorting” in the porn industry for agencies where we were sent to Las Vegas to do “privates”. I also know agents who lie to the girls and tell them they are shooting a scene when instead they set up prostitution acts for them.
I have cried and screamed and almost lost it at times because of this horrible industry. I have now been on Lexapro since January because I dropped to 85 lbs and it was from all the stress and anxiety from this business. I am now back up to 103 lbs and feeling better, but it’s going to be a long time until I fully recover. It sucks you in and is hard to get out, but once you do it… it’s the greatest feeling ever. Although it’s an extremely difficult and uphill battle, I know I’ll be okay. The industry is infected with drugs and disease. I have had multiple tests come back positive for Chlamydia and gonorrhea. My so-called friends and ex introduced me to a variety of drugs and we were on a 6 month binge. All my money went to partying and my car got repoed, I got evicted, had run-ins with the police, almost lost my contract and lost touch with my family. I almost always had to be “messed up” on set to get through it. I look back and it makes me sick because that is not the person my dad raised me to be.
I am so grateful for my son because I got pregnant and that’s what made me stop partying! I was in a relationship with a Kris Slater who is also in the industry and I thought everything was great until he started getting really controlling and abusing me. He would choke me, throw me around and verbally abuse me. I thought things would get better but it continued for 3 years. I had him arrested twice and the second time, this last February was the last time I was ever going to let him do that again. He threw chairs at our son and I was not going to let anything happen to him. There is now a restraining order and I have temporary full custody and am going to fight until the end for my son to have a loving and peaceful upbringing.
My worst scene I have ever been through was the one I did when I was pregnant. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to get over. It makes me so mad that the father of my baby and ex Kris Slater would even support that and let me do it. He should have been a man and helped out!
Although, I’m very angry and hurt, I am finally learning to love again and let someone into my life after being numb for so long. When I was shooting I was blocking all emotion and it was effecting my personal relationships with everyone. I had no “real” sex life and was showed no affection because I was used to doing the motions of something fake.
I don’t know how I got to the point of doing porn. I was a bright girl growing up. I joined the military at 17 (got out on a medical discharge) went on to attend college and had high expectations for myself. It’s never too late to do that stuff and change my life around and now is the time. I have to be a great mother for my son and be a good influence to him. I want him to look up to me and be proud. I am so grateful for Shelley and the Pink Cross Foundation for reaching out to me and helping me better myself. Shelley has been reaching out to me and giving me hope for some time now and I’m now strong enough to stand up and say, “I’m done with this horrible industry!” Thank you Shelley and the Pink Cross Foundation for loving me and seeing me as the great woman I am.
I was always the type to need to be center of attention. If I wasn’t the center of attention, I felt like the outcast. It’s usually either one or the other, no middle ground for people like us. Furthermore, no amount of attention (with the exception of from the occasional stalker which was too much attention) was really satisfying. I’m currently finding out that it’s not necessarily “human” attention I’ve been looking for – even though that’s where I obsessively look for it.
Despite having a master’s degree in a respectable field and what many view as a successful mainstream music career, I always felt that something was missing. I remember walking down the carpet at the Grammy awards, and still feel depressed because the cameras would rather focus on Slipknot/Christina Aguilera/whoever would be more important and successful within a five person radius of me. A general sense of gratitude does not come easy for us sex industry addicts. I could release a new music single on the internet and monitor a few hits, BUT if I took my clothes off on a webcam I’d get 7,000 hits in hours – that’s attention (albeit attention from people that were just as sick as I was if not more). However, even in the webcam situation I’d feel depressed when I noticed another fellow sick person received 50,000 hits vs. 7,000!
I was exposed to pornography at a very young age, perhaps four or five years old. Back then sneaking playboys into the closet with a flashlight with my little friends was just something fun and naughty to do. Little did I know that I set out to make porn stars my childhood heroes alongside the rock stars. At a young age my pornography and masturbation addiction was in full force. Of course it was exciting at first, but as so many of know too well the addiction turned into sexual maintenance rather than acts of excitement. I even worked at a “strip club” once just to hang out with strippers in which I was to masturbate behind a window for customers. Thankfully, nobody ever requested me to “perform,” so that gig didn’t last long. As I got older and more established in my music career I started contacting famous porn stars on the internet by writing them songs for their sites or just for flattery. A couple of Vivid Girls were very friendly and one eventually hooked me up with who was at the time the 1 porn director in the industry (yes you’ve seen him on Howard Stern several times over) to write music. Ironically, today this director is one of my closest friends and asks me for help to get him out of the business. I started off writing music for the movies, but of course with my existing porn and masturbation addiction and my sense of dissatisfaction with musical attention, my involvement turned into performing in the movies at various levels.
This got me the attention I thought I wanted for a while – AVN award nominations, the company of hot girls with no self-esteem, a steady article in a major adult magazine. Why was I still so depressed then? It was apparent that I was even more dissatisfied than I was before entering the adult entertainment industry. Whatever money I made went to drugs and alcohol to try to stabilize my misery. No matter what a guy says about adult entertainment work, sex with hot girls or not, each act that compromises your instinct to want good character and integrity drives your self-esteem further to the ground. But yet I couldn’t quit. I used excuses like “The publicity will help my music career” or “I’m not good for anything else anyway.” The only word that can describe the situation is INSANITY. Later I learned I was just spiritually ill.
I tried to quit the industry several times. I took a respectable day-job as an executive analyst, and made good money. I spent it all on booze and drugs, and spent hours masturbating to porn. I was lonely, discontent, irritable, and becoming more selfish and dishonest as the days went by. After only a few months I flew back to Los Angeles to do porn once again. Where was the memory of the misery? Did I think that it would be different this time? All the “friends” I had made in the industry either committed suicide or were drowning themselves in drugs and alcohol. The need for attention/fame was so bad that I threw my job away and went to live in poverty in a dangerous apartment complex in Van Nuys with my friend whose porn career was taking a nose dive (and so was he – into rails of crystal meth as a method to deal with his stripped fame). Every day we ran for our lives from crack heads, pimps and gang members – a far cry from my executive analyst or musician life – but yet I did what I had to do because I was ADDICTED TO ADULT ENTERTAINMENT!
I managed to get out with my life once again. I recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction, but could not shake my porn involvement. I destroyed relationships, aroused jealousy, and lost the ability to look myself in the mirror – all because I couldn’t quit pornography; both doing it and watching it. I knew I needed help. I prayed for liberation. I tried a couple of twelve step programs and would be able to gain 3 months at a maximum of “sexual sobriety,” but couldn’t make any lasting attempt. Finally, after some web searching I fatefully stumbled upon Shelley Lubben on MySpace. I had never met anyone who had RECOVERED from the industry before. Up until that day I had only met people who could stay away from porn or dancing for periods of time, but always slid back in. I don’t know how much time has passed since I’ve been free from the industry, probably not a lot, but I do know that thanks to my friend Shelley and a couple of other great people I share recovery with, we are able to stay free on a day to day basis based on Spiritual Principles! Yes, God. I personally went with Christ because that’s how Shelley does it. I will emulate whatever works because there’s nothing more important to me than my freedom from porn. I admit that I had to gain some humility to accept Christ because I was quite anti-Christian in the past. But that humility I gain is indispensable, and I am ever grateful for it. Since day one of acceptance, people having been coming into my life either giving help or asking for it with regards to our specific problem! I know the word “miracle” is a bit cliché, but I can’t deny that my recovery is happening on what feels to be on some Fantastic/Supernatural level. I pray every day for this freedom to last, for I don’t know if I will survive another lapse into adult entertainment. I also pray to be able to help those others that want out of this hamster wheel of misery, because nobody has to live the way we did. There is a solution. That solution is finding freedom and forgiveness in Jesus Christ.
Shelley: I met VJ Soporno in 2006 who has become a precious friend of mine. He has been very kind to help me understand what male porn stars go through.
Shelley: VJ, can you write me back with some of the pressures the porn industry put you under as a male actor?
VJ Soporno: From what I haven’t conveniently repressed ;), the pressure to look good is the obvious one. The pressure to not piss off the girls is huge. If a girl gets mad at you you’re not going to be getting much work (which from what I remember many are in a bad mood to begin with). Many gigs that guys got were at the request of the girl on which guy she’s willing to work with. Performance anxiety is the BIG one. Nobody wants to wait around for you to get an erection, and if you’re having trouble the thought of holding up production makes it even more difficult. Then of course once you do have it up, keeping it up is another pressure. Then of course there’s the pressure of finishing when told to. It’s detrimental to a guy’s self-esteem or notions of “being a man” when we fail at any of the above.
Shelley: I wanted to know how Viagra, the blue little pills, fits into this? Did you or other male porn stars have to use them in order to deal with the pressure or to perform?
VJ Soporno: We did. There was always a girl on the set (usually the older ‘motherly’ types – you know the type) that had Viagra in her purse if things got too stressful. Viagra is not a cure all for performance though – since most of the problem is mental.
*Please pray for VJ Soporno as he continues in his recovery from porn.
My name is Ryan and I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago Illinois and I’m 37. I’ve been a Christian for a little over a year. However, I didn’t come to know God until Nov. 2007 when I got the chance to go on the Encounter retreat.
To start with, I have to explain to you that I was the last of 5 children, so my path was already laid out for me by the time I got to high school. As a kid, I had a great family and I loved to play sports. I was in Little League Baseball, I was a Star Wrestler from 3rd grade until my Junior year of High School and everyday after practice I would go snow skiing at the local resort down the street from my house. In the summer, I would go water Skiing or fishing almost everyday and I was also a BMX racer. As you can see, I never had a dull moment and I was pretty popular. The problem was, I was a small kid and I never got much attention from the chicks!
I started smoking pot in 7th grade and it became a daily routine. When you’re 13, money isn’t easy to come by unless you stole it, and that’s what I did. I became a thief and used to rip off hundreds from my step father weekly. I always had a bag and soon after I was selling joints for 2 bucks a piece as a freshman in high school. If I couldn’t rip off the my step father, I would team up with my friends at 3 am and go around town walking for miles breaking into cars and stealing Radar Detectors. When the police came to school and called out 50 license plate numbers of cars that had a radar detector and told the owners to come to the auditorium, I freaked out and I realized, they were on to us. Eventually I took the rap for everyone and did a week in a juvy stress camp and paid a hefty fine. The Porn Industry
I moved to California the following summer. I told my friends that I was going to Cali to “Get Paid To Get Laid”! I wanted to be a Porn Star. It took me 7 years to do it, but like anything, if you put your mind to it, you can do what ever you want! Most of us think that watching Porn is the worst part of Sin. For the majority of us, it is. For me it’s quite different. I was not only watching Porn, I was an Actor in Porn. For two years of my life at the age of 24, I committed what most would say (aside from murder) the worst Sin of all. I got paid to openly have sex with women while others watched and filmed it. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I also knew the odd’s of getting Aid’s or some other sexually transmitted disease! The thing is, “I WAS HIGH” and I didn’t care about my life or the lives of others!
The odd thing, is that when I tell this story, people tend to ask the most stupid questions. People frequently ask me, “was it fun, did it pay well“. If you think that Sin is a good source of income, then you need to recognize “The Holy Spirit” more then you think.
On Thanksgiving in 95’I went to visit my family in Palm Springs. I noticed my step father switching the channel every time I walked in the living room. Curiosity got the better of me and I got up early the next day to check something. I looked at the remote control and I noticed the recall button was worn out, so I pressed it and the cable box switched to the XXX Spice Channel. At the time I had been getting calls from Spice to shoot for them. I totally freaked out and I had to make an immediate decision. I had to get out of Porn or my family would find out “VIA 3rd party“. I have 16 nieces and nephews and the last thing I wanted was, for them to see Uncle Ryan in a PORNO! I asked my roommate what to do and he said “either keep doing it or quit and keep selling them Coke and Weed”. I quit immediately and kept my contacts for my customers. Besides, I was making 4 times the money! I went from Bad to the Worst. I started selling drugs to people and was ruining hundreds of lives, all for the simple reason that I didn’t want my family to find out about my “Porno Past”. My family always knew I was doing drugs the whole time so there wasn’t much of a surprise there. I was an adult and I wasn’t about to let them interfere in my life.
I was sellin’ to everyone I could. producers, camera men, Actors and Actresses, anyone that had Cash. My childhood was o.k. until my parents split up. My mom was married and had 4 kids. She met my dad that had 3 and then they had me. My father was a special effects genius and developed a-lot of what we see in the movies, although we grew up in the Chicago northwest suburbs. He did movies such as the Original “The Fog” and Cheech and Chongs “Up in Smoke”. I had a great time growing up and my sisters and brother have been great to me. My father became an Alcoholic and started to abuse my mother and my brother. I only saw it a few times but the image is there and that is what sucks. Actually, it made me a better person and I swore to myself that I would never be that way and I haven’t.
As it is when anyone attains a “step father”, it sucks. I was 13 and the last thing I wanted was some other man with my mother! I didn’t care about girls. All I wanted to do was ride my bike and go PRO! Having a Step father put a damper on my life and my mother didn’t really pay much attention to me during those years. I was a wrestler from 3rd grade until I was a junior in high school. I won alot and I took first in quite a few tournaments that she was never at. That was disappointing. I would go to practice and didn’t want to go home after, so I would have her pick me up and drop me off at the ski hill down the street from our house and I would ski til 10 p.m. every day. The last thing I wanted to do was go home and see my step father.
I got used to it after a while but I soon started getting into trouble and things started to disappear in the house that friends of mine decided to steal. Once a gun got stolen and a box of cash because I opened my mouth. The cops thought I did it because the thief made it look like an inside job. The summer before I had gone sailing with a friend and I left my house key attached to the boat so I wouldn’t loose it. I figured it out about 2 years later. I had to take a lie detector test that my step father wanted and I failed it because I was taking cash out of the box for weed. OMG, what a life! A radar detector came up missing and my mom came to school looking for me. The night before I swiped 100 bucks and I had the change from it in my pocket when she came and yanked me out of class. Out in front of the school in front of the deans window, she asked me what happened to the radar detector. I had no clue what the heck she was talking about. She looked down at my pocket and saw a bulge and told me to take what was in my pocket out. It was a wad of Moo la! Busted for somethin’ again! I found out who stole the radar detector and kicked his A _ _! I immediately copped to taking the money from my step fathers money clip'(s) but I wasn’t about to look like a petty thief. If I was goin’ down, I wanted to look smart. She couldn’t believe her ears and never told him.
I finally got nailed and took the rap for everyone in town. We had a crew that would go snatchin’ radar detectors and bust out windows during the week at 3 am. We would sell them for 100 bucks or trade em’ for weed. I had one stashed at a friends house and his mother was a close friend of my mom’s. She was actually my Scout Mother. He was a punk and got stuck livin’ with his grandma next to his parents house and when his mom searched his room and found my stuff, he pointed the finger at me. She took everything he had and my stuff to the cop shop. My father had a few run in’s with Sargent Bush, so he knew my name very well. I got pulled out of class by Jeniffer Becker and she asked me what I did because Sargent Bush was in Mr. Scotts office, the head dean. Mr. Scott and I were friends because my brother grew up with his son and Mr. Scott was also a close friend of my step father from high school. I sat in a room at the police station separated from my mom for 4 hours and denied everything until they tricked me. I went to court and had already admitted to 18 counts. The judge asked me why I was crying at the police station and if I was crying because I was caught. I s id yes when I was on the stand and screwed myself! My mom’s head hit the table I was a goner and I took the rap for everyone! I Ain’t No Snitch. I ended up going to a stress camp for a week in November in Michigan and we were forced to sleep in tents with snow on the ground. I left at town and moved to California to start over and live with my brother. Then I got some weed and started all over again in the wrong crowd! That’s when I found the Porn Industry! In June of 2007, I was in a relationship and had been off of speed since Jan 4th 2006. My computer crashed and he tried to fix it. Guess what? She found a box cover I was on, and the cat was now out of the bag! The “Porn Star” was discovered by accident 13 years later. She paid for and started downloading my videos. She even said that if I watched them with her that we could work it out and I would be Forgiven. I’m sorry Gentlemen, but the only one that will allow that is God “The Father”, and my Brothers take it from me, if you repent and surrender your lives, you can and will be accepted by Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. I had to do something very important and I had to do it now. I called my mother and I told her what I used to do. Mom was cool about it because it was as she said ”My Past”! I had to tell mom before my girlfriend acted out her threats. I was at the verge of death by my own hand and I wanted to end it all, but I knew that somewhere I could get help and not by wasting 20 grand in a rehab. I found that help here at the Encounter through the brothers here that have shown me how powerful God truly is! I am an Ex-Porn Star and I am Alive and Well. I have been sober from Speed for 2 ½ years and now I’m free from weed for over 123 days or 4 month’s to the day. Sin is not a contest to see who can die first, because then no one wins except that PUNK satan! Getting away from and being free from Sin is a goal and Jesus paid for all of our Sin’s when he took his place upon the cross. Thank you for listening and God Bless you my brothers, for we are all God’s Children and we can all go to Heaven!
How I met Shelley Lubben and Pink Cross Foundation
Last year (2007) around November, I was struggling with my past and how I was going to face it. I was on myspace and I was searching for new friends when I stumbled across this, “EX PORN STAR Shelley Lubben speaks out”! I checked out her page and I watched her testimony. I immediately felt the exact pain she went through. I started to get teary eyed and I wanted to add her as my friend and contact her. Being that myspace won’t allow us to contact people unless they are our friends, I sent an add request. I was notified that she approved me the next day unlike most of the losers out there that have to analize your page. I sent her an email and explained just how her story lifted me up and that I wanted to join her in the fight against porn! My exact words were, “I Want To Kill Porn 1 Soul At A Time”.
She asked me to write a testimony and that took a while. It took some soul searching to look back at what I used to do and not get upset. I prayed on it to Jesus for weeks. I suddenly got the ambition one night to do it and it just poured out like you wouldn’t believe. I wrote it in one shot and I was up til 3 a.m.! Funny how the Lord works when you pray for answers, huh? I sent it to her and she asked me if I was ready. I was nervous at first but the Lord told me different. He told me that this is what his plan is for me. What helped the most is that Shelley told me that she really hasn’t met any men that have quit the porn scene and were willing to speak out about it.
I am and I will never quit until “I KILL THE PORN INDUSTRY 1 SOUL AT A TIME”. This is God’s will and he has been really good to Shelley. That fact speaks for itself. God has also been really good to me. He has given me a friend named Shelley Lubben that I can call at 3 or 4 in the morning if I need to talk to someone. She may not answer, but she always returns the call.
Last Christmas I got a call from Shelley asking me for my address. She wanted to help me because I was having a difficult time and I was low on money for food. About 3 days later I got a package in the mail from a foundation named The Pink Cross Foundation. I opened it up wondering what the Pink Cross was and who this was from. It was from Shelley and her husband Garret and the people at Pink Cross. I got a BIBLE and some other books as well as a DVD named Traffic Control. There was also a gift card for the grocery store and Home Depot. I was floored! Absolutely astonished. I couldn’t believe that some stranger actually cared about me and my well being. Shelley is “God Sent” and is doing the will of God! We are together in this fight and we are “KILLING PORN 1 SOUL AT A TIME”.
I was born in Indiana and raised in both Indiana and Colorado. My parents got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade and my father was never really around my whole life. At the age of 14 I had lost my virginity to the boy next door while living in Indiana with my mom and step dad. The boy broke my heart so I ran away from home not too long after.
The state of Indiana took over pretty quickly and I was in and out of foster homes and children’s homes etc. from age 14 until about 17 years old. My Mom was always physically and mentally ill and my step Dad was elderly and not able to take care of me. So the state became my mother and father now. I didn’t really have the guidance I needed my whole teen life to make it in the adult world. I hung out with other troubled kids. Some were worse than me. I was very promiscuous all through junior high and high school thinking that it was ok to have sex with anyone I wanted any time I wanted. The boys loved me. The girls hated me. I wanted to feel loved, accepted, and needed attention. I learned at my young age that I could use my body to get things that I wanted or needed from men. At only 15 years old, I hitch-hiked to Florida from Indiana to see a boy I liked on my own and was raped by a truck driver old enough to be my father. It was a horrible situation and I thought that this was all I was good for in life. Sex. The men and boys seemed to like it and I loved the attention.
At age 17, I came to live in Colorado again with my mother and stepfather. As soon as I turned 18 I was out of there. No longer a ward of the state, I was free to do what I wanted and be an “adult” Thinking I was grown up, I went to Denver to live on my own. I hadn’t even finished high school yet. I wanted to be in radio and TV production which never happened. I stayed in a small studio apartment with my older sister. I was introduced to parties, drugs, and worst of all, stripping. I watched my sister come home with her friend with a duffle bag full of one dollar bills. They wore sexy clothes and it looked like fun and easy money. I said, “I could do that” and I started out dancing at an all nude club downtown that would hire you if you were 18. This place was a real dive. I would then move on to doing private parties then prostitution and it all seemed the same to me.
I remember one of the worst times I had sex for money, I had a customer that wanted me to have anal sex and he forced me into it. He raped me. I went to the police and the hospital but they didn’t help me because I was a prostitute. I turned to drugs to help me deal with the pain.
I continued making money and I was able to get my own place. I didn’t even have to go to school. I would work, make money, party and do whatever I wanted. I thought I was having the time of my life. I forgot about school, or a regular job and my future. I never thought I would make it to the age of 30 the way I was living so I didn’t care. I was sure I would be dead by then.
Someone suggested that I get into porn movies. He said he knew a guy and could get me started. After meeting with the man, he took pictures of me and I was in my first scene right away right in a hotel in Denver. My first scene I was really nervous and scared. I was also very naïve and I didn’t know how the whole porn thing worked. I was booked to do a scene with a woman and I had to act like I had done that before.
When the camera started rolling I was trying to cope with having my first lesbian experience when all of the sudden, two men entered the scene who I didn’t know I would be filming with. I was so traumatized that I just blocked out everything. I just checked out and became Veronica Lain, the porn star.
After the scene I really felt I had done something bad and I hated myself.
The next thing I knew, I was in Las Vegas at a porn convention signing autographs and posing with fans. I wasn’t even famous but yet they made me feel like I was and it hooked me even more. I did some more movies in Las Vegas and did not sleep much at all. I wasn’t even old enough to gamble. You can make a porn movie in Vegas but you can’t gamble or drink. That’s just wrong.
It was all so overwhelming for me so I came back to Colorado but I ended up going to the convention 2 more times again. I loved the attention and by then I was jaded and use to the whole porn world. I continued to work in Colorado doing, movies, parties, prostitution, photos. Yes Porn Stars are also prostitutes! Anything and everything that had to with sex work I did it. I learned to depend on men to take care of me. I wanted a father so much. I was young and loved the attention and money. Porn was not “glamorous” though. I definitely did some things I did not want to do. I saw girls gagged and choked on the set during filming. I was one of those girls who was gagged and choked. I also saw empty douches and enema boxes laying around. I also met women who couldn’t work because of STD’s. I was treated like meat and saw other women going through the same, or worse. I would stay up and party all night on drugs. I wasn’t even old enough to drink.
At about 20 years old, I flew out to Los Angeles and stayed for a month and a half in Hollywood! Wow, I was a real “porn star” now. Everything seemed pretty great up until I started getting terrible abdomen pains so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so sick that I went to a clinic and found out I had several bacterial infections and Chlamydia all at the same time! The medicine made me throw up and I hated it. I came back home to Colorado and decided to work at a topless bar for about 2 years to get away from porn. I also started drinking heavily. I was trying to kill the pain with alcohol and pot daily. I went back to prostitution and I turned tricks out of my apartment. I risked my life over and over and tried to quit many times. I tried to get regular jobs here and there. I wanted out so bad. But I pretty much did sex work off and on from the time I was 18 until age 32. The money was always there and I didn’t know anything else.
I moved to another town and hoped to settle down and get some normalcy in my life. I lost my job and went back to prostitution. I soon met a man who became my regular customer and thought if I married him I would get out of prostitution. I wanted love and a family that I never had. I believed I would be out of the business forever after this.(yeah right) I was happy for a while until I realized that I didn’t get out of the sex business, I had married it. He was a porn addict and probably seeing hookers on the side. I became very unhappy, suicidal, gained weight, became depressed, and had to get on anti-depressants and counseling. We divorced after about 2 years and I was on my own again but now I had a child to take care of too. I started getting into old habits and went back to prostitution. I still didn’t know anything else but selling my body, soul and mind. I desperately wanted out but didn’t know how to do it.
Today, I am at the end of that life. Thanks to the lord I am finding strength to find a way out of the sex industry. I feel so tired. I’ve been in a long time. I feel older than I really am. I started at 18 years old and today I am 32 going on 60.
I finally have hope because recently I have found other women like me who have suffered in the sex industry but yet have changed their lives for the better. Shelley Lubben is one of them and I recently found her myspace which really gave me hope. Please visit her myspace to learn the truth about porn and get help. My faith in God was renewed and I am on my way to being the healthy, smart, strong, mother that I was meant to be. I would rather be homeless than sell my body ever again. I am priceless. I am a human being. Not an object put here to be used by men. The sex industry has changed my life. Now that I look back, I was a young innocent child that had to take care of herself any way she could. If I could help one young girl like that with my story, I think that would be wonderful. I want to help young girls like me and keep them from going through what I went through in the sex industry. The sex industry ruined my life and I know it will take years to heal my broken heart.
I hope to inspire young girls to get an education, stay away from drugs and the sex industry and really think about their future. When do you quit the sex work? When you are 30, 50? Or maybe when it finally kills you like it has many other men and women. I want people to know the truth about the horrible sex industry. I start here, with me and my past. The sex industry got me nowhere in life but destroyed everything in my life. But I know God is bigger than the sex industry and will heal my life and use my story to hopefully inspire many.
I met Kristenye, formerly known as Diamond, on Myspace and was immediately drawn to her because I something very special in her. In only a few months Kristenye has quit the adult industry and is now in recovery. She now wants to use her story to help others learn the truth about the porn industry and to inspire women to leave the sex industry.
SL: What was childhood like?
K: I had an alcoholic abusive mother who loved to go bar-hopping, and an abusive step-father who was addicted to methadone and alcohol which made him really abusive and mean. My real father died when I was 12 from heart problems (he was a severe alcoholic). My step-dad used to get drunk and beat the hell outta me while my mom was at work. My mom was so in-love she let it happened and stayed in denial he also beat the hell outta her all the time and I would go to school the next day and act out. They eventually put me in “special classes” saying I had an anger problem. I was sexually abused at 12 by my step-dads co-worker in the military, they did nothing, it was “my fault”. My mother called me a slut, whore, tramp, failure way before all of the sexual abuse or even before I started taking an interest in boys so in a way I saw myself that way. I was gang-raped at 13 by 4 neighborhood boys I grew up with , and hospitalized for 2 years. I dealt with depression, being so-called bi-polar/manic-depressant. I was on a lot of medication that of course never worked. I was a cutter and suicidal for awhile. I was hospitalized and put in many behavioral center where I just acted out even more. Taking a child out of an environment they are used to and putting them with children who are worse than them is not a smart idea. Kids adapt to there environment and learn from those they are around. How was I supposed to act? Not only had traumatic things happened to me at an early age but I felt my mother chose a man over me!
I ran away 18 times in one year and was banned from Pecan Gardens (neighborhood in Virginia beach). I joined a gang at 14 and stole cars and other things, did teen porn, drugs, skipped school and stayed in fights. I always got sent to a detention center or group home, until they got tired of me in the juvenile system. I was arrested more than 14 times as a juvenile went to juvenile prison 2 times and still didn’t learn.
I turned 18 started robbing peoples homes, set a house on fire, got a conspiracy to robbery, plenty of assault charges even on minors, and eventually the judge got tired of seeing me in Virginia Beach City Jail and sent me to adult prison while I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter because I was smoking weed, violated probation and was living with a federal fugitive. I was sentenced to 2 years in Fluvanna maximum security women’s prison. I was in a solitary confinement program called Structured living (for gang-members and problem inmates). I was a security threat to the whole facility because I was affiliated and because of my tattoo’s and mail.
I got released at age 21, 6 months after having my daughter Gabriella. Thus I do not have a mothers bond with my child. And when I got out of prison I was still not in the right mind-frame emotionally after having lived with murderers and child-abusers in prison so I couldn’t take care of my daughter. So I did what I thought was best and left her with my mother instead of her going into Social Services.
I continued to use drugs & I was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years with a 43 year old black butch who used to smoke crack and beat the hell outta me. I was brainwashed by her to think that she was the only one who cared for me. All I had. I was a disaster waiting to happen…In fact, I was a disaster happening.
SL: How old were and how did you get into the sex industry?
K: I was 16 when I decided to get a fake ID and start stripping for fast cash because I was a run-away and needed the money to survive. I was then told about Craig’s list, an online ad web site, right before I turned 17 and I posted an ad for private dancing/modeling to get bigger cash. Eventually the company I was working for influenced me to dance and model nude for even more money.
I started to performing in amateur films at 17 for a few different men and companies. I signed a contract with Masquerade films right before I turned 18. I had never heard of them before but I figured it was low-key enough not to be noticed. SL: Did you have pimps or madams?
K: When I was 18 years old I met a guy named Shawn who claimed to like me. We started dating and he always told me how pretty I was how much he loved me. I craved love so much I believed him and fell in-love for the first time. He ended up getting locked up for child support so he asked me to start posting adds on Craig’s list for “full-service calls and charge my clients 250 and hour to get him outta jail. I REALIZED I WORKED FOR A PIMP. Shawn’s name was Black Ice and when he got outta jail he brought me to his house that was full of his girls and his “Bottom Bitch”(a name used for the head female/madam) Lexie. Lexie trained me to do calls in a hotel in Richmond Virginia. We did nothing but stay in a hotel all the time, when we went out we were not allowed to talk to anyone unless it was a female.
We traveled a lot had to do car-dates which was horrible and scary. We went to Washington D.C. and there it was even worse. We walked a track and were in constant threat by clients, police, gang-members, and other pimps. As I learned the ways of the sex biz, I eventually started my own company ” Diamond Entertainment” and was a madam over 6 girls aged from 17-23 who I would put up in hotels and take 50% of their money and make them do the same things I was made to do. I hated myself for making them do the same horrible things I had to do. SL: Describe one of the worst moments when you were in the sex industry.
K: I was trapped in a room with a guy smoking crack who would not let me outta his home until I did everything he asked. He wanted me to indulge in drugs with him and then join in with him and his male lover in a threesome, forced anal was involved. It was horrible. SL: What lies did you tell your fans and clients?
K: I would tell them things like I was just a college girl doing this to make money because I was struggling, I didn’t want them to know how horrible my situation was or they would take advantage of that. I told a few guys I loved them and wanted to be with them, just so they would give me what I wanted. I constantly lied to men. SL: What was it like to make a porn movie?
At first I thought it would be exciting. Sad isn’t it? I started out just having sex with a guy, then started doing threesomes, then lesbian porn because I was bi-sexual. Then I did dominatrix stuff with submissive men and I did degrading things to them such as peeing on them, beating them, and doing even worse things to violate them.
Porn was a horrible experience, having to stay in the same position while they re-did shots and having to re-do positions all the time. I wasn’t allowed to wipe anything off my face or body until they were done. It was really gross and really degrading as a woman, I had a very low-self esteem even though people constantly told me how pretty and sexy I was. I developed an eating disorder which I had to be hospitalized for several times. I think I am not able to have kids now because of all the physical problems I had. Sometimes I was pounded so hard I bled, my periods were always off key. I caught gonorrhea when I was 18 by another guy I was asked to have sex with on film without a rubber. I never caught anything from prostituting but did from doing porn.
SL: What kind of drugs and alcohol were you exposed to and when did you begin using drugs and what kind?
K: I started using drugs at 16…I started off with methadone (synthetic heroin) then went to cocaine, crystal meth, crack. I used everything but I used cocaine and weed more than anything. To forget the pain…I took drugs.
SL: Where was God while you were in the sex industry? Did He reach out to you or were there times you almost died but something saved you?
K: I actually thought God turned his back on me because of the filthy things I was doing. I came close to death a few times and I always got outta it. Now I know God was there for me right by my side the whole time just waiting for me to notice him. SL: Where are you at today and what are your future goals?
I was NEVER the type to use my bad experiences to get attention or to get pity. Bad things happen in life and there are people across seas who live life a lot worse. I just have always been a real person and my experiences have made me who I am now so I don’t wish to have pity. Instead, I wish to use what I’ve gone thru to help other people. To make a difference, because we do have a loving God who apparently allowed me to go thru these things to use it to glorify Him …and that’s what I plan on doing. I am a new person with God and he never left my side even when I left him. Sometimes still I just get so overwhelmed with anger and negativity. I pray for strength. Other times I get so depressed and think of hurting myself…but I remember he loves me and blessed me with beauty not only outside but within me too. It is so hard for me…I have such an addiction to money. I’ve always been willing to sell my soul to get what I wanted. This will be the hardest struggle because I hate “not having”. God tells me he will be there to comfort me and make it all okay. I’m wondering how long it will take till all the pain goes away.
I wish my mom would just call to say “she loves me ” or even to just say she’s “thinking of me”. Even with all the things I’ve been thru with her, I just can’t help loving her and wanting her to love me. But she never does and never once calls other than to belittle me or scream at me for some disgusting thing I did in the past. She doesn’t allow me or the child’s father to see my daughter. She has full custody and has since the last time I was in jail for drugs. I used to have visitation but now I don’t because one of my friends called my mom awhile ago and gave her my porn-site info and she seen one of my porn sites and cancelled my visits. Since then I haven’t seen my 2 year old precious little angel “Gabriella” at all. But I know someday God will make me the mother I should be. God gives me strength because I should’ve broke down and died a long time ago. I want to add that one day when I thought that nobody cared and I was just a failure at life I ran acrost Shelley Lubbens page…I listened and watched her testimony and I cried all thru it. I couldnt believe there was another human being on earth who could understand what was going on with me. I was in awe about how much she had changed her life and how happy she was. First thought was…If this woman can do it, why cant I? So I contacted her and since she has been an inspiration to me. She has been a role model/mentor to me ever since. Her ministry reaches out to girls going thru the same things. I am grateful to have met her, she has helped me in so many ways and motivated me to do something with my life thats so much better. I believe God sent her to me when I felt like ending my life and just giving up. I am so thankful to have met such a beautiful person who trully cares and wants to help people stop hurting.
SL: I’m the one who is thankful Kristenye. You are such a joy and blessing in my life!! Together we will help those trapped in the sex industry and inspire the world to turn away from the lie of porn and live the life God meant them to live!
To leave encouraging comments for Kristenye please visit her myspace.
Update on Kristenye:
* I GOT MY G.E.D * ME & MY MOM ARE GETTING ALONG AND WE’RE GOING CAMPING IN JULY * MY BIRTHDAY WAS APRIL 5TH AND I DIDNT GET DRUNK OR HIGH *MY HUSBAND STARTED COLLEGE AND IS TAKING INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY * I STARTED THE ART INSTITUTE FOR MY DIGITAL DESIGN DIPLOMA AND I LOVE IT!!! * I SEE MY DAUGHTER EVERY WEEK 🙂 AND SHE KNOWS WHO I AM!!!! * IM MOVING INTO A HUGE HOUSE JULY 1ST * I STARTED GOING TO MY CHILDHOOD CHURCH AGAIN HOLLAND ROAD BAPTIST CHURCH * I OCCASIONALLY SING SOLO’S FOR THE CHOIR * I FINISHED SEXUAL TRAUMA THERAPY MAY 1ST * I FINISH MY DRUG CLASS IN JUNE
I did recently have a miscarriage so I am hurting over that and ask for your prayers.
I am a former xxx actress. I got out of the business about two years ago, and totally out of the sex industry in January 2006. I grew up in a Christian home, but I never really felt accepted anywhere.
I started hanging out in the world, and got my first serious boyfriend. I lost my virginity at the age of 18, and a few months later my boyfriend broke up with me. I was crushed. I went nuts… it was the beginning of the end. I started dancing when I was 18. I was dabbling here and there with drugs- coke, ecstasy, acid, etc. I met a XXX performer who was feature dancing at the club I worked at. She introduced me to her brother and we started dating. Within 2 weeks I packed up and moved to LA.
I was nervous about being on film at first… she also worked at a legal brothel in Nevada and told me I should try working there 1st… so at the age of 19, I became a prostitute. I worked there for about 9 months and then got into XXX. Over the next 4 years, I did somewhere around 200+ movies. I also escorted all over the country as a porn star escort. Yes, porn stars are prostitues too. I got further and further into drugs and the whole lifestyle. I had a string of boyfriends, each one worse than the last.
I have been hospitalized many times- from being physically abused by men, put into rehab at least 4 times, and even put into the LA County General Hospital by the police for a mandatory psychiatric hold. I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I left LA and went back to the brothel in Nevada. I had to escape my boyfriend and that lifestyle. I went to an outpatient rehab- did methadone for two days and then got on some pills the doctor said I would be on for months. I took them for a day and a half and then quit cold turkey. I spent another 9 months in hell at the brothel – I was in most ways a prisoner there. I escaped by leaving everything I owned there in January and going to Vegas. I spent a few months in Vegas, then finally came home in April.
I have obviously had angels doing overtime watching out for me the whole time. I O.D.ed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God.
Update:Becca has been attending web design school at Sessions.edu where she is now working very hard to earn a Web Design Foundation Certificate. She is a single mother to a beautiful one year old daughter and is enjoying her new life.Karly, her real name, says a big THANK YOU to all of you who cared enough to donate to her schooling. She is thankful that people didn’t see her as a throw-away person and believed in her enough to reach out to her. She is also thankful to God for saving her out of the porn pit. Becca says, “Life is sweet now.”If you are a porn star and you want help please contact firstname.lastname@example.org