My name is Ryan and I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago Illinois and I’m 37. I’ve been a Christian for a little over a year. However, I didn’t come to know God until Nov. 2007 when I got the chance to go on the Encounter retreat.
To start with, I have to explain to you that I was the last of 5 children, so my path was already laid out for me by the time I got to high school. As a kid, I had a great family and I loved to play sports. I was in Little League Baseball, I was a Star Wrestler from 3rd grade until my Junior year of High School and everyday after practice I would go snow skiing at the local resort down the street from my house. In the summer, I would go water Skiing or fishing almost everyday and I was also a BMX racer. As you can see, I never had a dull moment and I was pretty popular. The problem was, I was a small kid and I never got much attention from the chicks!
I started smoking pot in 7th grade and it became a daily routine. When you’re 13, money isn’t easy to come by unless you stole it, and that’s what I did. I became a thief and used to rip off hundreds from my step father weekly. I always had a bag and soon after I was selling joints for 2 bucks a piece as a freshman in high school. If I couldn’t rip off the my step father, I would team up with my friends at 3 am and go around town walking for miles breaking into cars and stealing Radar Detectors. When the police came to school and called out 50 license plate numbers of cars that had a radar detector and told the owners to come to the auditorium, I freaked out and I realized, they were on to us. Eventually I took the rap for everyone and did a week in a juvy stress camp and paid a hefty fine.
The Porn Industry
I moved to California the following summer. I told my friends that I was going to Cali to “Get Paid To Get Laid”! I wanted to be a Porn Star. It took me 7 years to do it, but like anything, if you put your mind to it, you can do what ever you want! Most of us think that watching Porn is the worst part of Sin. For the majority of us, it is. For me it’s quite different. I was not only watching Porn, I was an Actor in Porn. For two years of my life at the age of 24, I committed what most would say (aside from murder) the worst Sin of all. I got paid to openly have sex with women while others watched and filmed it. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I also knew the odd’s of getting Aid’s or some other sexually transmitted disease! The thing is, “I WAS HIGH” and I didn’t care about my life or the lives of others!
The odd thing, is that when I tell this story, people tend to ask the most stupid questions. People frequently ask me, “was it fun, did it pay well“. If you think that Sin is a good source of income, then you need to recognize “The Holy Spirit” more then you think.
On Thanksgiving in 95’I went to visit my family in Palm Springs. I noticed my step father switching the channel every time I walked in the living room. Curiosity got the better of me and I got up early the next day to check something. I looked at the remote control and I noticed the recall button was worn out, so I pressed it and the cable box switched to the XXX Spice Channel. At the time I had been getting calls from Spice to shoot for them. I totally freaked out and I had to make an immediate decision. I had to get out of Porn or my family would find out “VIA 3rd party“. I have 16 nieces and nephews and the last thing I wanted was, for them to see Uncle Ryan in a PORNO! I asked my roommate what to do and he said “either keep doing it or quit and keep selling them Coke and Weed”. I quit immediately and kept my contacts for my customers. Besides, I was making 4 times the money! I went from Bad to the Worst. I started selling drugs to people and was ruining hundreds of lives, all for the simple reason that I didn’t want my family to find out about my “Porno Past”. My family always knew I was doing drugs the whole time so there wasn’t much of a surprise there. I was an adult and I wasn’t about to let them interfere in my life.
I was sellin’ to everyone I could. producers, camera men, Actors and Actresses, anyone that had Cash. My childhood was o.k. until my parents split up. My mom was married and had 4 kids. She met my dad that had 3 and then they had me. My father was a special effects genius and developed a-lot of what we see in the movies, although we grew up in the Chicago northwest suburbs. He did movies such as the Original “The Fog” and Cheech and Chongs “Up in Smoke”. I had a great time growing up and my sisters and brother have been great to me. My father became an Alcoholic and started to abuse my mother and my brother. I only saw it a few times but the image is there and that is what sucks. Actually, it made me a better person and I swore to myself that I would never be that way and I haven’t.
As it is when anyone attains a “step father”, it sucks. I was 13 and the last thing I wanted was some other man with my mother! I didn’t care about girls. All I wanted to do was ride my bike and go PRO! Having a Step father put a damper on my life and my mother didn’t really pay much attention to me during those years. I was a wrestler from 3rd grade until I was a junior in high school. I won alot and I took first in quite a few tournaments that she was never at. That was disappointing. I would go to practice and didn’t want to go home after, so I would have her pick me up and drop me off at the ski hill down the street from our house and I would ski til 10 p.m. every day. The last thing I wanted to do was go home and see my step father.
I got used to it after a while but I soon started getting into trouble and things started to disappear in the house that friends of mine decided to steal. Once a gun got stolen and a box of cash because I opened my mouth. The cops thought I did it because the thief made it look like an inside job. The summer before I had gone sailing with a friend and I left my house key attached to the boat so I wouldn’t loose it. I figured it out about 2 years later. I had to take a lie detector test that my step father wanted and I failed it because I was taking cash out of the box for weed. OMG, what a life! A radar detector came up missing and my mom came to school looking for me. The night before I swiped 100 bucks and I had the change from it in my pocket when she came and yanked me out of class. Out in front of the school in front of the deans window, she asked me what happened to the radar detector. I had no clue what the heck she was talking about. She looked down at my pocket and saw a bulge and told me to take what was in my pocket out. It was a wad of Moo la! Busted for somethin’ again! I found out who stole the radar detector and kicked his A _ _! I immediately copped to taking the money from my step fathers money clip'(s) but I wasn’t about to look like a petty thief. If I was goin’ down, I wanted to look smart. She couldn’t believe her ears and never told him.
I finally got nailed and took the rap for everyone in town. We had a crew that would go snatchin’ radar detectors and bust out windows during the week at 3 am. We would sell them for 100 bucks or trade em’ for weed. I had one stashed at a friends house and his mother was a close friend of my mom’s. She was actually my Scout Mother. He was a punk and got stuck livin’ with his grandma next to his parents house and when his mom searched his room and found my stuff, he pointed the finger at me. She took everything he had and my stuff to the cop shop. My father had a few run in’s with Sargent Bush, so he knew my name very well. I got pulled out of class by Jeniffer Becker and she asked me what I did because Sargent Bush was in Mr. Scotts office, the head dean. Mr. Scott and I were friends because my brother grew up with his son and Mr. Scott was also a close friend of my step father from high school. I sat in a room at the police station separated from my mom for 4 hours and denied everything until they tricked me. I went to court and had already admitted to 18 counts. The judge asked me why I was crying at the police station and if I was crying because I was caught. I s id yes when I was on the stand and screwed myself! My mom’s head hit the table I was a goner and I took the rap for everyone! I Ain’t No Snitch. I ended up going to a stress camp for a week in November in Michigan and we were forced to sleep in tents with snow on the ground. I left at town and moved to California to start over and live with my brother. Then I got some weed and started all over again in the wrong crowd! That’s when I found the Porn Industry! In June of 2007, I was in a relationship and had been off of speed since Jan 4th 2006. My computer crashed and he tried to fix it. Guess what? She found a box cover I was on, and the cat was now out of the bag! The “Porn Star” was discovered by accident 13 years later. She paid for and started downloading my videos. She even said that if I watched them with her that we could work it out and I would be Forgiven.
I’m sorry Gentlemen, but the only one that will allow that is God “The Father”, and my Brothers take it from me, if you repent and surrender your lives, you can and will be accepted by Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. I had to do something very important and I had to do it now. I called my mother and I told her what I used to do. Mom was cool about it because it was as she said ”My Past”! I had to tell mom before my girlfriend acted out her threats. I was at the verge of death by my own hand and I wanted to end it all, but I knew that somewhere I could get help and not by wasting 20 grand in a rehab. I found that help here at the Encounter through the brothers here that have shown me how powerful God truly is! I am an Ex-Porn Star and I am Alive and Well. I have been sober from Speed for 2 ½ years and now I’m free from weed for over 123 days or 4 month’s to the day. Sin is not a contest to see who can die first, because then no one wins except that PUNK satan! Getting away from and being free from Sin is a goal and Jesus paid for all of our Sin’s when he took his place upon the cross. Thank you for listening and God Bless you my brothers, for we are all God’s Children and we can all go to Heaven!
How I met Shelley Lubben and Pink Cross Foundation
Last year (2007) around November, I was struggling with my past and how I was going to face it. I was on myspace and I was searching for new friends when I stumbled across this, “EX PORN STAR Shelley Lubben speaks out”! I checked out her page and I watched her testimony. I immediately felt the exact pain she went through. I started to get teary eyed and I wanted to add her as my friend and contact her. Being that myspace won’t allow us to contact people unless they are our friends, I sent an add request. I was notified that she approved me the next day unlike most of the losers out there that have to analize your page. I sent her an email and explained just how her story lifted me up and that I wanted to join her in the fight against porn! My exact words were, “I Want To Kill Porn 1 Soul At A Time”.
She asked me to write a testimony and that took a while. It took some soul searching to look back at what I used to do and not get upset. I prayed on it to Jesus for weeks. I suddenly got the ambition one night to do it and it just poured out like you wouldn’t believe. I wrote it in one shot and I was up til 3 a.m.! Funny how the Lord works when you pray for answers, huh? I sent it to her and she asked me if I was ready. I was nervous at first but the Lord told me different. He told me that this is what his plan is for me. What helped the most is that Shelley told me that she really hasn’t met any men that have quit the porn scene and were willing to speak out about it.
I am and I will never quit until “I KILL THE PORN INDUSTRY 1 SOUL AT A TIME”. This is God’s will and he has been really good to Shelley. That fact speaks for itself. God has also been really good to me. He has given me a friend named Shelley Lubben that I can call at 3 or 4 in the morning if I need to talk to someone. She may not answer, but she always returns the call.
Last Christmas I got a call from Shelley asking me for my address. She wanted to help me because I was having a difficult time and I was low on money for food. About 3 days later I got a package in the mail from a foundation named The Pink Cross Foundation. I opened it up wondering what the Pink Cross was and who this was from. It was from Shelley and her husband Garret and the people at Pink Cross. I got a BIBLE and some other books as well as a DVD named Traffic Control. There was also a gift card for the grocery store and Home Depot. I was floored! Absolutely astonished. I couldn’t believe that some stranger actually cared about me and my well being. Shelley is “God Sent” and is doing the will of God! We are together in this fight and we are “KILLING PORN 1 SOUL AT A TIME”.
Ryan Lee Millay