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Ex Porn Star Tamra Toryn Story

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My Story: Before, During, & After Porn - Part 1

written in January 2009

Born and raised in the city of Los Angeles... I've been in love with music since day one. Just two years out of high school, I started working in the entertainment industry back in 2000 through the electronica underground music scene and eventually came to co-managing a couple venues in Southern California, helping with event promotions, scouting talent, to eventually finding myself wanting to become an artist. I also worked as an adult film actress/ model for about 2 years thinking it would help my music career but of course never did.. infact, it almost turned my hopes and dreams of becoming anything in music into being non-existant. But now I'm here to tell the story of why I worked in the porn industry and why I made the decision to get out for good. 

The year was 2005, I just broke out of a miserable 2 and a half year relationship that was doomed from day one. I also just moved from living in South Orange County back to the west side of Los Angeles. That summer was a real experience for me because I felt a high that I never got from any drug I ever took... the high was from music. 

It had been a dream of mine to be able to express my musical vocal talent through writing lyrics for my talented friends that produced a genre of electronica music called drum & bass and jungle. I had spent my whole summer in the east coast writing music, which was my best therapy. It became my drug of choice and I felt (from what my friends were telling me), I had something special unleashed from within me that I had no idea I was even good at. My voice. So with the help from a friend of mine that had been living in Maine that I hadn't spoke to in 4 years, and the money I had from a security deposit from an apartment that I never got to move into due to a friend ending up in jail, I knew that I needed to break away from the west coast and have some time to heal before I was to make the move back to Los Angeles. So with all my things already in boxes and stored, I packed my suitcases and spent a month away making a dream become reality. 

I played my first gig in New England that summer and it took alot of guts, hard work physically and mentally to get that ball rolling. All the connections I made from all the awesome friends I met during this trip really put me in the right place. I travelled from Maine to Boston to New Hampshire, New York through New Jersey and then up to Toronto for 3 days and then back to Maine. I took a journal to document my trip and my transformation of becoming this new person. I had the best time ever and when I got back home, I felt an intense feeling of something big was going to happen in my life that would change me forever. But I had no idea of what that big piece in my life would be or how it would change me. Little did I realize what lied ahead and what direction my journey would take me. In any case, I knew if it was something big, it was meant to change me.

A few months after returning to Los Angeles, I had temporarily moved into my grandmother's house to stay and take care of her. Shortly after settling in, it didn't take me too long to burn through 2 jobs and started living up a party life. I got addicted to cocaine for 3 months, drank heavily, and eventually lost a job for the first time due to my new found destructive lifestyle.  

I knew had to act immediately. I decided I needed to wise up and sober up. I never even liked coke and after detoxing for a month, bi polar episodes of crying and suicidal thoughts, I promised myself I would never take that route again. Not too long after, I found a new job working at a salon. I was happy that my stubborn nature that was bred into me as a child to "never fail" got me to pick myself up and get back on the right path. Or so I thought.

3 weeks later, I realized the new job wasn't making the money I thought I would and the bills were coming in. I wasn't going to quit yet I felt desperate. I was freaking out. My family put on the pressure. I was not in a good place. Then I remembered a guy that wrote me through finding me on myspace a month back about making some quick cash doing an adult film shoot for an internet website, so I dug through my read messages and without thinking things over, I acted on impulse to save my financial situation. I wrote him and asked if the gig was still available. Of course it was and before I knew it, I was booked to film my first porn scene ever in Florida, the last weekend of November 2005.

(Yes, most of today's porn actresses are discovered on Myspace. I'm living proof.)

I told my job and family that I was filming a "music video" and granted, I was approved of the time off. Unlike most girls that start their porn careers doing just masturbation, oral or girl/ girl, I went straight for hardcore because I was quote unquote "hardcore" . Attitude check anyone?  My scene was shot Gonzo (reality/amateur style) boy/girl, anal, ATM (anal to mouth)- pay $1000. Expenses and flight all paid. Sounded like a dream come true.

I arrive and a man with a sign awaits me in the baggage claim area with an Escalade limo to pick me up. We stop at Denny's to eat and meet with the director. After we meet, he takes me outside to give me a once over look of approval, we finish eating, and drive to the studio.

Nothing prepared me other than a boot camp workout, my xanax prescription for my anxiety disorder since I was nervous as heck, and a low carb diet for a month to dig up the courage to take my clothes off to do things I never thought I would share on film for the world to see. Tons of people walking around, food provided, etc etc. No STD tests were given or shown since the director assured me that since they were using condoms, I wouldn't have to worry. (Yeah right)

2 hours later, naked, medicated, sore, and wet from jumping off a boat to end the scene like they pushed me off the boat like a useless stupid whore, I received $1000 for my "hard work", praised of a "great job" I did and driven to my friend's house (since I didn't want to stay at the production's beach house with weird people on drugs I didn't know) and extended my stay to celebrate my new life as a "porn star".

This is where real life ended and the delusion of temporary existence began.

When I got home, I felt like something inside my soul changed me forever. I made it sound like I had the best time ever, spent all the money I made on a 2 day shopping spree, partied everyday, and began to look up agencies that my "friend" that booked me the gig in Florida referred me to via online. Before I knew it, I had an agent and it became official. I thought I was so hardcore that I wanted all my guy friends to know. It didn't take too long for one of them to call me to tell me they just got done getting off to my scene online and this was just minutes after I got the phone call that my scene had just been posted online.

Months after and 2 agents later, I thought if I had a catch, producers would be knocking my door down just to have me sing on their LP or film me because my catch was that I was so hardcore and a vocalist for drum & bass/ jungle music. I would incorporate hints of my real so-called life into my scenes. Directors fed me all the bs I needed to hear (since we are all so naive entering this business) of how I was going to be the next big thing next to Jenna Jameson and Belladonna, and all the money I was going to make because of how great I was on and off film as long as I stayed hardcore. Oh the things we do to fool you men to thinking that porn is what sex is suppose to be like. Are you kidding me?

Then my agents started to tell me I was still in need to drop weight or tone up when I was already at a size 2! Really?! I had worked so hard, without any trainer to help me, without going back to abuse hard drugs and with a recent sobriety from drinking, I lost 65 -70 lbs on my own, and they still wanted me to drop weight. 

Sometimes I felt it was hard to accept or even acknowledge my accomplishments because of how weird I felt living this double life and from all the pressure I felt from it. I even had a stalker after me which still likes to surprise me sometimes and recreate 70 profiles on myspace just to write to me all sorts of filth and threats. 

Being in porn, relationships are a joke. I mean, besides the novelty of "dating a porn star" who the heck would take a girl like me seriously for anything other than the obvious. My rules were to date outside the biz (to date a civilian as we called it) to avoid the so-called population of "physically and mentally" abusive men that apparently worked in the industry. When I made the attempt to finally get serious, those relationships always ended in either heartbreak or betrayal. So eventually began to build a hatred towards love and men.

I felt the only way to really evolve in this business was to spend my afternoons in the gym all day working out and keep my standards for my shoots as "up for anything hardcore". I've done everything from sex with 10 guys to men ejaculating in my eyes. Mostly straight sex. I never really liked girls sexually. In fact, when I did try to cross over to doing girl-girl shoots, most of the time I just wanted to give them the beating of their life. 

Crossing boundaries became my new source of rebellion and high so I started acting out in my films. Which brings me back to a memory when I was 16. I got caught by 2 boys I went to high school with that saw me messing around with another girl's boyfriend. This guy lied to me after I had asked them if they were still together and said they were over. The girl who was his girlfriend was also a friend and found out through word of mouth in school. I felt so awful to know I was the cause of her broken heart and to be stuck between their relationship. I tried to explain what really happened but, it was no use. 

A month later, she retaliated by setting me up to be sexually violated in my own house using a mutual friend as bait while I was home a lone after school. My house was robbed in broad daylight while I was being propositioned in my own bedroom. Later, I figured that these incidents from my past attributed to my life as a pornstar with my sex and pain addiction and... evidently, were walking hand-in-hand. What a sick path to walk for any price of fame. 

Part 2: From abuse and violence to a brighter future.

From a photographer taking my first agency photos telling me that everyone in the industry has diseases to rapping about life with a reborn Christian on a flight back home, to a rock thrown at my windshield while driving home from a bad day at work after my obgyn left me the message about an abnormal pap test. God called upon me for a reality check.

My family found out including my uncle Gary who was like a father to me when I was a little girl while my mother was going through treatment for severe cervical dysplasia and through my parents divorce, he took care of us like we were one of his own. When he found out I was doing porn, it crushed me. I haven't seen him since due to him making the decision to excommunicate me from his family and he's suffering from cardiac dementia. He probably has about 5 years to live. I really pray that one day God will present me with a chance to reunite my family. It's been 3 years since the family all got together and I feel it's all on me to bring them back. I miss him terribly and even thinking about it makes my eyes water.

As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out. When I got home, I was called every name in the book by my family. I felt ashamed and tainted with so much hatred towards myself and everyone around me. I didn't want to hear the word porn ever again. I cried myself to sleep for months. I cried out to God to forgive me. September 14th will be a day I'll never forget. God knows this yet sadly, months after I recovered, I felt so desperate to save my financial situation, with a few words of encouragement from some so-called porn producer "friends", I was convinced this was my still my solution to end my debt... and back to porn it was. I felt ashamed but hid it well under greed.

A lot of painful memories float in my head from the last shoot I did when I was in Europe from January to February of 2008. I was surrounded in violence and abused by someone that only said they loved me so they could profit from making films with me. Then not even a week after my 29th birthday, I saw this person have a hysterical and violent episode that frightened me more than anything. Yes, my career ended in violence, fear, abuse, drugs, heartbreak, and almost death. From cutting my arms up to being choked in my own house, to a nervous breakdown that led me into a car accident from almost overdosing on prescription drugs, to seeing sex slavery first hand in Europe. Not too long after I arrived back in the states, we broke up. However, after all this person did to me, after 2 years... I've learned to pray and forgive him.

Months after I left porn for good, it was difficult to concentrate at work and have a social life. I felt myself still living in this "in-between world" of fantasy and reality. This attitude was taking a toll on my relationship with my new boyfriend and I couldn't understand why until I was given an ultimatum to either change my tone or we were over. I took some time out to see what was wrong since I thought it was every man's dream to be with a porn star but, I was wrong. So while I was at home one night... crying and googling "anti-porn" or "porn help", I came across Shelley Lubben with a video of her helping a girl I've been acquainted with vaguely as a friend but knows many of my friends in music,  ex-porn star Sierra Sinn. 

Seeing the miracles God and what Shelley did for her gave me hope that I could change too so immediately, I followed her myspace link with a message, "ex-porn star..please help me". Shelley immediately responded and later that week, followed up with a phone call. Shocked by my experiences when I was a porn actress, she cried with me as I told my story. 2 weeks later, she sent me a box of wonderful gifts with make-up, self-help books, and her testimony as well as other men and women who had left porn. I became overjoyed knowing that finally I wasn't alone in all of this and that I was going to change thanks to help from my new friend, Shelley Lubben.

Fast forward and I'm hardly a glimmer of the person I was before. Incredibly grateful to God for the changes made to better my life from those experiences, I couldn't be happier that I made it back in one piece, and that my decision to quit followed through. I managed to find a job before I ended my porn career as well as a place to live on my own. I met a wonderful man that I've been in a relationship since April of 2008, found a home church in Orange County that I regularly attend, joined a bible study last year, and was baptized into Christ's family January 2010. 

A MILLION thanks to Shelley for helping me through this along with the everyone who supports The Pink Cross Foundation.

I've been sober for almost 1 year and feel amazing! As it's written, the truth really does set you free and there isn't a morning that passes that I wake up to thank God for my new life.

For the future, I'm looking to go into nutrition, finances, or study theology. Maybe even back to working on my music. I just want to do something great for humanity a long with making the world a better place. 

God bless all of you that have written me during my recovery or have just been touched by reading my testimony. Some have been so beautifully written. It is truly amazing to know that there are people out there that really care and believe in me. Just so you know...this is the truth... nobody twisted my arm or paid me to write this. Whether you want to believe me or not, I know that sadly there's still abuse in the sex industry as well to all degrees in the world that goes on everyday.

A special message for anyone that has hurt me in the past... what has happened is long gone and from the bottom of my heart, I forgive you. May you be blessed abundantly everyday and may the truth set you free. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read my testimony. Whether you love me or hate me, I will always hold ALL of you very close to my heart. :)

         

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