I was born in Indiana and raised in both Indiana and Colorado. My parents got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade and my father was never really around my whole life. At the age of 14 I had lost my virginity to the boy next door while living in Indiana with my mom and step dad. The boy broke my heart so I ran away from home not too long after.
The state of Indiana took over pretty quickly and I was in and out of foster homes and children’s homes etc. from age 14 until about 17 years old. My Mom was always physically and mentally ill and my step Dad was elderly and not able to take care of me. So the state became my mother and father now. I didn’t really have the guidance I needed my whole teen life to make it in the adult world. I hung out with other troubled kids. Some were worse than me. I was very promiscuous all through junior high and high school thinking that it was ok to have sex with anyone I wanted any time I wanted. The boys loved me. The girls hated me. I wanted to feel loved, accepted, and needed attention. I learned at my young age that I could use my body to get things that I wanted or needed from men. At only 15 years old, I hitch-hiked to Florida from Indiana to see a boy I liked on my own and was raped by a truck driver old enough to be my father. It was a horrible situation and I thought that this was all I was good for in life. Sex. The men and boys seemed to like it and I loved the attention.
At age 17, I came to live in Colorado again with my mother and stepfather. As soon as I turned 18 I was out of there. No longer a ward of the state, I was free to do what I wanted and be an “adult” Thinking I was grown up, I went to Denver to live on my own. I hadn’t even finished high school yet. I wanted to be in radio and TV production which never happened. I stayed in a small studio apartment with my older sister. I was introduced to parties, drugs, and worst of all, stripping. I watched my sister come home with her friend with a duffle bag full of one dollar bills. They wore sexy clothes and it looked like fun and easy money. I said, “I could do that” and I started out dancing at an all nude club downtown that would hire you if you were 18. This place was a real dive. I would then move on to doing private parties then prostitution and it all seemed the same to me.
I remember one of the worst times I had sex for money, I had a customer that wanted me to have anal sex and he forced me into it. He raped me. I went to the police and the hospital but they didn’t help me because I was a prostitute. I turned to drugs to help me deal with the pain.
I continued making money and I was able to get my own place. I didn’t even have to go to school. I would work, make money, party and do whatever I wanted. I thought I was having the time of my life. I forgot about school, or a regular job and my future. I never thought I would make it to the age of 30 the way I was living so I didn’t care. I was sure I would be dead by then.
Someone suggested that I get into porn movies. He said he knew a guy and could get me started. After meeting with the man, he took pictures of me and I was in my first scene right away right in a hotel in Denver. My first scene I was really nervous and scared. I was also very naïve and I didn’t know how the whole porn thing worked. I was booked to do a scene with a woman and I had to act like I had done that before.
When the camera started rolling I was trying to cope with having my first lesbian experience when all of the sudden, two men entered the scene who I didn’t know I would be filming with. I was so traumatized that I just blocked out everything. I just checked out and became Veronica Lain, the porn star.
After the scene I really felt I had done something bad and I hated myself.
The next thing I knew, I was in Las Vegas at a porn convention signing autographs and posing with fans. I wasn’t even famous but yet they made me feel like I was and it hooked me even more. I did some more movies in Las Vegas and did not sleep much at all. I wasn’t even old enough to gamble. You can make a porn movie in Vegas but you can’t gamble or drink. That’s just wrong.
It was all so overwhelming for me so I came back to Colorado but I ended up going to the convention 2 more times again. I loved the attention and by then I was jaded and use to the whole porn world. I continued to work in Colorado doing, movies, parties, prostitution, photos. Yes Porn Stars are also prostitutes! Anything and everything that had to with sex work I did it. I learned to depend on men to take care of me. I wanted a father so much. I was young and loved the attention and money. Porn was not “glamorous” though. I definitely did some things I did not want to do. I saw girls gagged and choked on the set during filming. I was one of those girls who was gagged and choked. I also saw empty douches and enema boxes laying around. I also met women who couldn’t work because of STD’s. I was treated like meat and saw other women going through the same, or worse. I would stay up and party all night on drugs. I wasn’t even old enough to drink.
At about 20 years old, I flew out to Los Angeles and stayed for a month and a half in Hollywood! Wow, I was a real “porn star” now. Everything seemed pretty great up until I started getting terrible abdomen pains so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so sick that I went to a clinic and found out I had several bacterial infections and Chlamydia all at the same time! The medicine made me throw up and I hated it. I came back home to Colorado and decided to work at a topless bar for about 2 years to get away from porn. I also started drinking heavily. I was trying to kill the pain with alcohol and pot daily. I went back to prostitution and I turned tricks out of my apartment. I risked my life over and over and tried to quit many times. I tried to get regular jobs here and there. I wanted out so bad. But I pretty much did sex work off and on from the time I was 18 until age 32. The money was always there and I didn’t know anything else.
I moved to another town and hoped to settle down and get some normalcy in my life. I lost my job and went back to prostitution. I soon met a man who became my regular customer and thought if I married him I would get out of prostitution. I wanted love and a family that I never had. I believed I would be out of the business forever after this.(yeah right) I was happy for a while until I realized that I didn’t get out of the sex business, I had married it. He was a porn addict and probably seeing hookers on the side. I became very unhappy, suicidal, gained weight, became depressed, and had to get on anti-depressants and counseling. We divorced after about 2 years and I was on my own again but now I had a child to take care of too. I started getting into old habits and went back to prostitution. I still didn’t know anything else but selling my body, soul and mind. I desperately wanted out but didn’t know how to do it.
Today, I am at the end of that life. Thanks to the lord I am finding strength to find a way out of the sex industry. I feel so tired. I’ve been in a long time. I feel older than I really am. I started at 18 years old and today I am 32 going on 60.
I finally have hope because recently I have found other women like me who have suffered in the sex industry but yet have changed their lives for the better. Shelley Lubben is one of them and I recently found her myspace which really gave me hope. Please visit her myspace to learn the truth about porn and get help. My faith in God was renewed and I am on my way to being the healthy, smart, strong, mother that I was meant to be. I would rather be homeless than sell my body ever again. I am priceless. I am a human being. Not an object put here to be used by men. The sex industry has changed my life. Now that I look back, I was a young innocent child that had to take care of herself any way she could. If I could help one young girl like that with my story, I think that would be wonderful. I want to help young girls like me and keep them from going through what I went through in the sex industry. The sex industry ruined my life and I know it will take years to heal my broken heart.
I hope to inspire young girls to get an education, stay away from drugs and the sex industry and really think about their future. When do you quit the sex work? When you are 30, 50? Or maybe when it finally kills you like it has many other men and women. I want people to know the truth about the horrible sex industry. I start here, with me and my past. The sex industry got me nowhere in life but destroyed everything in my life. But I know God is bigger than the sex industry and will heal my life and use my story to hopefully inspire many.