The environmental Change for Porn Star Veronica Lain – An Inspiration

I was born in Indiana and raised in both Indiana and Colorado. My parents got divorced when I was in the 3rd grade and my father was never really around my whole life. At the age of 14 I had lost my virginity to the boy next door while living in Indiana with my mom and step dad. The boy broke my heart so I ran away from home not too long after.

The state of Indiana took over pretty quickly and I was in and out of foster homes and children’s homes etc. from age 14 until about 17 years old. My Mom was always physically and mentally ill and my step Dad was elderly and not able to take care of me. So the state became my mother and father now. I didn’t really have the guidance I needed my whole teen life to make it in the adult world. I hung out with other troubled kids. Some were worse than me. I was very promiscuous all through junior high and high school thinking that it was ok to have sex with anyone I wanted any time I wanted. The boys loved me. The girls hated me. I wanted to feel loved, accepted, and needed attention. I learned at my young age that I could use my body to get things that I wanted or needed from men. At only 15 years old, I hitch-hiked to Florida from Indiana to see a boy I liked on my own and was raped by a truck driver old enough to be my father. It was a horrible situation and I thought that this was all I was good for in life. Sex. The men and boys seemed to like it and I loved the attention.

At age 17, I came to live in Colorado again with my mother and stepfather. As soon as I turned 18 I was out of there. No longer a ward of the state, I was free to do what I wanted and be an “adult” Thinking I was grown up, I went to Denver to live on my own. I hadn’t even finished high school yet. I wanted to be in radio and TV production which never happened. I stayed in a small studio apartment with my older sister. I was introduced to parties, drugs, and worst of all, stripping. I watched my sister come home with her friend with a duffle bag full of one dollar bills. They wore sexy clothes and it looked like fun and easy money. I said, “I could do that” and I started out dancing at an all nude club downtown that would hire you if you were 18. This place was a real dive. I would then move on to doing private parties then prostitution and it all seemed the same to me.

I remember one of the worst times I had sex for money, I had a customer that wanted me to have anal sex and he forced me into it. He raped me. I went to the police and the hospital but they didn’t help me because I was a prostitute. I turned to drugs to help me deal with the pain.

I continued making money and I was able to get my own place. I didn’t even have to go to school. I would work, make money, party and do whatever I wanted. I thought I was having the time of my life. I forgot about school, or a regular job and my future. I never thought I would make it to the age of 30 the way I was living so I didn’t care. I was sure I would be dead by then.

Someone suggested that I get into porn movies. He said he knew a guy and could get me started. After meeting with the man, he took pictures of me and I was in my first scene right away right in a hotel in Denver. My first scene I was really nervous and scared. I was also very naïve and I didn’t know how the whole porn thing worked. I was booked to do a scene with a woman and I had to act like I had done that before.

When the camera started rolling I was trying to cope with having my first lesbian experience when all of the sudden, two men entered the scene who I didn’t know I would be filming with. I was so traumatized that I just blocked out everything. I just checked out and became Veronica Lain, the porn star.

After the scene I really felt I had done something bad and I hated myself.

The next thing I knew, I was in Las Vegas at a porn convention signing autographs and posing with fans. I wasn’t even famous but yet they made me feel like I was and it hooked me even more. I did some more movies in Las Vegas and did not sleep much at all. I wasn’t even old enough to gamble. You can make a porn movie in Vegas but you can’t gamble or drink. That’s just wrong.

It was all so overwhelming for me so I came back to Colorado but I ended up going to the convention 2 more times again. I loved the attention and by then I was jaded and use to the whole porn world. I continued to work in Colorado doing, movies, parties, prostitution, photos. Yes Porn Stars are also prostitutes! Anything and everything that had to with sex work I did it. I learned to depend on men to take care of me. I wanted a father so much. I was young and loved the attention and money. Porn was not “glamorous” though. I definitely did some things I did not want to do. I saw girls gagged and choked on the set during filming. I was one of those girls who was gagged and choked. I also saw empty douches and enema boxes laying around. I also met women who couldn’t work because of STD’s. I was treated like meat and saw other women going through the same, or worse. I would stay up and party all night on drugs. I wasn’t even old enough to drink.

At about 20 years old, I flew out to Los Angeles and stayed for a month and a half in Hollywood! Wow, I was a real “porn star” now. Everything seemed pretty great up until I started getting terrible abdomen pains so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so sick that I went to a clinic and found out I had several bacterial infections and Chlamydia all at the same time! The medicine made me throw up and I hated it. I came back home to Colorado and decided to work at a topless bar for about 2 years to get away from porn. I also started drinking heavily. I was trying to kill the pain with alcohol and pot daily. I went back to prostitution and I turned tricks out of my apartment. I risked my life over and over and tried to quit many times. I tried to get regular jobs here and there. I wanted out so bad. But I pretty much did sex work off and on from the time I was 18 until age 32. The money was always there and I didn’t know anything else.

I moved to another town and hoped to settle down and get some normalcy in my life. I lost my job and went back to prostitution. I soon met a man who became my regular customer and thought if I married him I would get out of prostitution. I wanted love and a family that I never had. I believed I would be out of the business forever after this.(yeah right) I was happy for a while until I realized that I didn’t get out of the sex business, I had married it. He was a porn addict and probably seeing hookers on the side. I became very unhappy, suicidal, gained weight, became depressed, and had to get on anti-depressants and counseling. We divorced after about 2 years and I was on my own again but now I had a child to take care of too. I started getting into old habits and went back to prostitution. I still didn’t know anything else but selling my body, soul and mind. I desperately wanted out but didn’t know how to do it.

Today, I am at the end of that life. Thanks to the lord I am finding strength to find a way out of the sex industry. I feel so tired. I’ve been in a long time. I feel older than I really am. I started at 18 years old and today I am 32 going on 60.

I finally have hope because recently I have found other women like me who have suffered in the sex industry but yet have changed their lives for the better. Shelley Lubben is one of them and I recently found her myspace which really gave me hope. Please visit her myspace to learn the truth about porn and get help. My faith in God was renewed and I am on my way to being the healthy, smart, strong, mother that I was meant to be. I would rather be homeless than sell my body ever again. I am priceless. I am a human being. Not an object put here to be used by men. The sex industry has changed my life. Now that I look back, I was a young innocent child that had to take care of herself any way she could. If I could help one young girl like that with my story, I think that would be wonderful. I want to help young girls like me and keep them from going through what I went through in the sex industry. The sex industry ruined my life and I know it will take years to heal my broken heart.

I hope to inspire young girls to get an education, stay away from drugs and the sex industry and really think about their future. When do you quit the sex work? When you are 30, 50? Or maybe when it finally kills you like it has many other men and women. I want people to know the truth about the horrible sex industry. I start here, with me and my past. The sex industry got me nowhere in life but destroyed everything in my life. But I know God is bigger than the sex industry and will heal my life and use my story to hopefully inspire many.

Hardcore Sinner – Teen Porn Actress Diamond Turns to God

I met Kristenye, formerly known as Diamond, on Myspace and was immediately drawn to her because I something very special in her. In only a few months Kristenye has quit the adult industry and is now in recovery. She now wants to use her story to help others learn the truth about the porn industry and to inspire women to leave the sex industry.

SL: What was childhood like?

K:       I had an alcoholic abusive mother who loved to go bar-hopping, and an abusive step-father who was addicted to methadone and alcohol which made him really abusive and mean. My real father died when I was 12 from heart problems (he was a severe alcoholic). My step-dad used to get drunk and beat the hell outta me while my mom was at work. My mom was so in-love she let it happened and stayed in denial he also beat the hell outta her all the time and I would go to school the next day and act out. They eventually put me in “special classes” saying I had an anger problem. I was sexually abused at 12 by my step-dads co-worker in the military, they did nothing, it was “my fault”. My mother called me a slut, whore, tramp, failure way before all of the sexual abuse or even before I started taking an interest in boys so in a way I saw myself that way. I was gang-raped at 13 by 4 neighborhood boys I grew up with , and hospitalized for 2 years. I dealt with depression, being so-called bi-polar/manic-depressant. I was on a lot of medication that of course never worked. I was a cutter and suicidal for awhile. I was hospitalized and put in many behavioral center where I just acted out even more. Taking a child out of an environment they are used to and putting them with children who are worse than them is not a smart idea. Kids adapt to there environment and learn from those they are around. How was I supposed to act? Not only had traumatic things happened to me at an early age but I felt my mother chose a man over me!

I ran away 18 times in one year and was banned from Pecan Gardens (neighborhood in Virginia beach). I joined a gang at 14 and stole cars and other things, did teen porn, drugs, skipped school and stayed in fights. I always got sent to a detention center or group home, until they got tired of me in the juvenile system. I was arrested more than 14 times as a juvenile went to juvenile prison 2 times and still didn’t learn. 

I turned 18 started robbing peoples homes, set a house on fire, got a conspiracy to robbery, plenty of assault charges even on minors, and eventually the judge got tired of seeing me in Virginia Beach City Jail and sent me to adult prison while I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter because I was smoking weed, violated probation and was living with a federal fugitive. I was sentenced to 2 years in Fluvanna maximum security women’s prison. I was in a solitary confinement program called Structured living (for gang-members and problem inmates). I was a security threat to the whole facility because I was affiliated and because of my tattoo’s and mail.

I got released at age 21, 6 months after having my daughter Gabriella. Thus I do not have a mothers bond with my child. And when I got out of prison I was still not in the right mind-frame emotionally after having lived with murderers and child-abusers in prison so I couldn’t take care of my daughter. So I did what I thought was best and left her with my mother instead of her going into Social Services.

I continued to use drugs  & I was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years with a 43 year old black butch who used to smoke crack and beat the hell outta me. I was brainwashed by her to think that she was the only one who cared for me. All I had. I was a disaster waiting to happen…In fact, I was a disaster happening.

SL: How old were and how did you get into the sex industry?

K:        I was 16 when I decided to get a fake ID and start stripping for fast cash because I was a run-away and needed the money to survive. I was then told about Craig’s list, an online ad web site, right before I turned 17 and I posted an ad for private dancing/modeling to get bigger cash. Eventually the company I was working for influenced me to dance and model nude for even more money.

I started to performing in amateur films at 17 for a few different men and companies. I signed a contract with Masquerade films right before I turned 18. I had never heard of them before but I figured it was low-key enough not to be noticed.

SL: Did you have pimps or madams?


K:        When I was 18 years old I met a guy named Shawn who claimed to like me. We started dating and he always told me how pretty I was how much he loved me. I craved love so much I believed him and fell in-love for the first time. He ended up getting locked up for child support so he asked me to start posting adds on Craig’s list for “full-service calls and charge my clients 250 and hour to get him outta jail. I REALIZED I WORKED FOR A PIMP. Shawn’s name was  Black Ice and when he got outta jail he brought me to his house that was full of his girls and his “Bottom Bitch”(a name used for the head female/madam) Lexie. Lexie trained me to do calls in a hotel in Richmond Virginia. We did nothing but stay in a hotel all the time, when we went out we were not allowed to talk to anyone unless it was a female.

We traveled a lot had to do car-dates which was horrible and scary. We went to Washington D.C. and there it was even worse. We walked a track and were in constant threat by clients, police, gang-members, and other pimps. As I learned the ways of the sex biz, I eventually started my own company ” Diamond Entertainment” and was a madam over 6 girls aged from 17-23 who I would put up in hotels and take 50% of their money and make them do the same things I was made to do. I hated myself for making them do the same horrible things I had to do.

SL: Describe one of the worst moments when you were in the sex industry.


K:        I was trapped in a room with a guy smoking crack who would not let me outta his home until I did everything he asked. He wanted me to indulge in drugs with him and then join in with him and his male lover in a threesome, forced anal was involved. It was horrible.

SL: What lies did you tell your fans and clients?


K:        I would tell them things like I was just a college girl doing this to make money because I was struggling, I didn’t want them to know how horrible my situation was or they would take advantage of that. I told a few guys I loved them and wanted to be with them, just so they would give me what I wanted. I constantly lied to men.

SL: What was it like to make a porn movie?


At first I thought it would be exciting. Sad isn’t it? I started out just having sex with a guy, then started doing threesomes, then lesbian porn because I was bi-sexual. Then I did dominatrix stuff with submissive men and I did degrading things to them such as peeing on them, beating them, and doing even worse things to violate them.

            Porn was a horrible experience, having to stay in the same position while they re-did shots and having to re-do positions all the time. I wasn’t allowed to wipe anything off my face or body until they were done. It was really gross and really degrading as a woman, I had a very low-self esteem even though people constantly told me how pretty and sexy I was. I developed an eating disorder which I had to be hospitalized for several times. I think I am not able to have kids now because of all the physical problems I had. Sometimes I was pounded so hard I bled, my periods were always off key. I caught gonorrhea when I was 18 by another guy I was asked to have sex with on film without a rubber. I never caught anything from prostituting but did from doing porn.

SL: What kind of drugs and alcohol were you exposed to and when did you begin using drugs and what kind?

K:        I started using drugs at 16…I started off with methadone (synthetic heroin) then went to cocaine, crystal meth, crack. I used everything but I used cocaine and weed more than anything. To forget the pain…I took drugs.

SL: Where was God while you were in the sex industry? Did He reach out to you or were there times you almost died but something saved you?

K:        I actually thought God turned his back on me because of the filthy things I was doing. I came close to death a few times and I always got outta it. Now I know God was there for me right by my side the whole time just waiting for me to notice him.

SL: Where are you at today and what are your future goals?


I was NEVER the type to use my bad experiences to get attention or to get pity. Bad things happen in life and there are people across seas who live life a lot worse. I just have always been a real person and my experiences have made me who I am now so I don’t wish to have pity. Instead, I wish to use what I’ve gone thru to help other people. To make a difference, because we do have a loving God who apparently allowed me to go thru these things to use it to glorify Him …and that’s what I plan on doing. I am a new person with God and he never left my side even when I left him. Sometimes still I just get so overwhelmed with anger and negativity. I pray for strength. Other times I get so depressed and think of hurting myself…but I remember he loves me and blessed me with beauty not only outside but within me too. It is so hard for me…I have such an addiction to money. I’ve always been willing to sell my soul to get what I wanted. This will be the hardest struggle because I hate “not having”. God tells me he will be there to comfort me and make it all okay. I’m wondering how long it will take till all the pain goes away.

        I wish my mom would just call to say “she loves me ” or even to just say she’s “thinking of me”. Even with all the things I’ve been thru with her, I just can’t help loving her and wanting her to love me. But she never does and never once calls other than to belittle me or scream at me for some disgusting thing I did in the past. She doesn’t allow me or the child’s father to see my daughter. She has full custody and has since the last time I was in jail for drugs. I used to have visitation but now I don’t because one of my friends called my mom awhile ago and gave her my porn-site info and she seen one of my porn sites and cancelled my visits. Since then I haven’t seen my 2 year old precious little angel “Gabriella” at all. But I know someday God will make me the mother I should be. God gives me strength because I should’ve broke down and died a long time ago.
        I want to add that one day when I thought that nobody cared and I was just a failure at life I ran acrost Shelley Lubbens page…I listened and watched her testimony and I cried all thru it. I couldnt believe there was another human being on earth who could understand what was going on with me. I was in awe about how much she had changed her life and how happy she was. First thought was…If this woman can do it, why cant I?
        So I contacted her and since she has been an inspiration to me. She has been a role model/mentor to me ever since. Her ministry reaches out to girls going thru the same things. I am grateful to have met her, she has helped me in so many ways and motivated me to do something with my life thats so much better. I believe God sent her to me when I felt like ending my life and just giving up. I am so thankful to have met such a beautiful person who trully cares and wants to help people stop hurting.

SL: I’m the one who is thankful Kristenye. You are such a joy and blessing in my life!! Together we will help those trapped in the sex industry and inspire the world to turn away from the lie of porn and live the life God meant them to live!

To leave encouraging comments for Kristenye please visit her myspace.

Update on Kristenye:

* I GOT MY G.E.D
* ME & MY MOM ARE GETTING ALONG AND WE’RE GOING CAMPING IN JULY
* MY BIRTHDAY WAS APRIL 5TH AND I DIDNT GET DRUNK OR HIGH
*MY HUSBAND STARTED COLLEGE AND IS TAKING INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
* I STARTED THE ART INSTITUTE FOR MY DIGITAL DESIGN DIPLOMA AND I LOVE IT!!!
* I SEE MY DAUGHTER EVERY WEEK 🙂 AND SHE KNOWS WHO I AM!!!!
* IM MOVING INTO A HUGE HOUSE JULY 1ST
* I STARTED GOING TO MY CHILDHOOD CHURCH AGAIN HOLLAND ROAD BAPTIST CHURCH
* I OCCASIONALLY SING SOLO’S FOR THE CHOIR
* I FINISHED SEXUAL TRAUMA THERAPY MAY 1ST
* I FINISH MY DRUG CLASS IN JUNE

I did recently have a miscarriage so I am hurting over that and ask for your prayers.

From Becca Brat Past to a happy Family Woman

I am a former xxx actress. I got out of the business about two years ago, and totally out of the sex industry in January 2006. I grew up in a Christian home, but I never really felt accepted anywhere.

I started hanging out in the world, and got my first serious boyfriend. I lost my virginity at the age of 18, and a few months later my boyfriend broke up with me.  I was crushed.  I went nuts… it was the beginning of the end. I started dancing when I was 18. I was dabbling here and there with drugs- coke, ecstasy, acid, etc. I met a XXX performer who was feature dancing at the club I worked at. She introduced me to her brother and we started dating. Within 2 weeks I packed up and moved to LA.

I was nervous about being on film at first… she also worked at a legal brothel in Nevada and told me I should try working there 1st… so at the age of 19, I became a prostitute. I worked there for about 9 months and then got into XXX. Over the next 4 years, I did somewhere around 200+ movies. I also escorted all over the country as a porn star escort. Yes, porn stars are prostitues too. I got further and further into drugs and the whole lifestyle. I had a string of boyfriends, each one worse than the last.

I have been hospitalized many times- from being physically abused by men, put into rehab at least 4 times, and even put into the LA County General Hospital by the police for a mandatory psychiatric hold. I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I left LA and went back to the brothel in Nevada. I had to escape my boyfriend and that lifestyle. I went to an outpatient rehab- did methadone for two days and then got on some pills the doctor said I would be on for months. I took them for a day and a half and then quit cold turkey. I spent another 9 months in hell at the brothel – I was in most ways a prisoner there.  I escaped by leaving everything I owned there in January and going to Vegas. I spent a few months in Vegas, then finally came home in April.

I have obviously had angels doing overtime watching out for me the whole time. I O.D.ed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. 

Update:Becca has been attending web design school at Sessions.edu where she is now working very hard to earn a Web Design Foundation Certificate. She is a single mother to a beautiful one year old daughter and is enjoying her new life.Karly, her real name, says a big THANK YOU to all of you who cared enough to donate to her schooling. She is thankful that people didn’t see her as a throw-away person and believed in her enough to reach out to her. She is also thankful to God for saving her out of the porn pit. Becca says, “Life is sweet now.”If you are a porn star and you want help please contact help@thepinkcross.org