Confession of a Former Porn Addict

by Scott Smith, Pink Cross Foundation Director

Growing up I didn’t have much exposure to porn. Other than the occasional friend who stole porn from their dad’s or another relative it was never in my house. We never had any of the premium channels. We weren’t the family to have the latest technology. I don’t remember getting dial-up internet until I was a senior in high school. I have to give my parents credit.  They did do a really good job of keeping pornography out of the house.

Even so they never really talked about it other than to say it was wrong. Still sex is the kind of thing boys are going to figure out. Guys are going to wonder why pictures of naked women cause them to get an erection. Through that they discover masturbation. I discovered it when I was 14 years old. It was rather scary. It felt good but I felt really dirty. I dared not tell anybody. I always remembered the backbiting and how people who were caught in sexual sin were treated as outcasts by those in the church. Even so I liked how it felt so I got really good at hiding my sin. When I was old enough to buy my first adult magazine I did. I used to hide it in my suitcase behind the plastic plate in the bottom. I was very successful. My dad even took it on a trip and never discovered it though it was a very nervous weekend for me because I was sure he was going to find it and I was going to get in big trouble. 

Hardcore pornography never really entered the equation until I was 21. I was away at college. At school we had a network where we were able to share files with other computers on the network. Most of the time, I used it to browse files, to find music, and watch movies that people had. One computer in the network had one adult film on it. I still remember the title and can tell you the porn stars that were in it. From then on it just went downhill from there. I would watch the movie daily just long enough to use it for pleasure.  

It wasn’t long before I found more movies on the network and I found websites on the internet. I lived a double life and I hated it but I just couldn’t seem to kick the habit. Like I said people who were found to have a sexual addiction were treated like outcasts. I dare not tell anybody. I wish I did. It just kept getting worse and worse and stealing more and more time. Technology and the internet’s progression just made it easier. The downward spiral really continued when the peer to peer programs such as Morpheus, eDonkey, and Lime wire came out. Everybody remembers Napster. I used to get a lot of music from them.  After the lawsuits came other programs began to come out but they were different. You could download movies and if you could download movies then you can download porn. If you have one of those programs on your computer just take the time to look at the servers. You will see that most of them are just dedicated to porn. I would download enough movies to fill up my 40 GB hardrive. I would get convicted, delete them all, do good for about a week or two and then repeat the whole process. This went on for about five years. I got really good at hiding it too. I figured out how to cover my tracks on my computer at home, how to get past any filter program. But it was destroying me. 

It wasn’t until late 2004 that I got fed up with the double life and struggling on my own to break the addiction and began to look for things to help. I was back at home then. One of my good buddies from church and I were talking. After his parents got divorced, when I was in college, his brother stayed at my house so he could finish the year at school. He wasn’t as good as me at covering his tracks so he got caught several times looking at porn in the computer. I was talking to my friend about that and we both found out that the other was struggling with it. That was huge for me. I knew that men struggled with it but never met one who admitted it. He and I decided to start an accountability group with two other guys and we would tell about what we struggled with. It was interesting to find other young men who did some of the same stupid things I did. When I told them about the cycle of downloading and erasing movies, I thought for sure I was the only one. They all laughed and said me too. All of us were so relieved to realize that there were others who did the same things. The enemy, especially if you keep the sin hidden, is always there to condemn you. 

That group was the first milestone in breaking the addiction. We would share things that helped us and things that hindered us in our fight. There were two things that seemed to really work for me. The first was to keep track of when I failed, what time of day it was, and what I was doing before I failed. This is a really good idea because you will be shocked at the patterns you find.  I discovered that most of the time I failed it was late at night. What I would then do is avoid getting on the computer late at night. In I Corinthians 10:13 it mentions how God will provide a way out. I have discovered that the way out sometimes happens way before the sin has been committed or even the temptation hits. The second was a piece of software called X3watch. All four of us put it on our computer and had two of the other guys in the group as accountability partners. Through this I began to see progression.  I would have periods of success but there were still periods of failure but the big thing was it was getting better. 

During that God began a journey of my life that I never thought I’d be on. I had always wanted to do something to help other men who struggled with porn. When I found out that so many struggled with it and yearned for someone to tell I really wanted my church to be a place of compassion where people were not condemned and treated like outcasts. I liked what XXXChurch was doing. My friend Colin talked me into getting a myspace profile. I enjoyed it because I was able to connect with many people I hadn’t talked to in years. I did notice however that a lot of porn stars had pages too and I almost deleted my profile because I did not want to risk going backwards. 

Then I found Corrie. Corrie was a rather big porn star that I recognized. The difference with her is that she was now professing Christ and how she was no longer in porn. I wrote her a note telling her how awesome it was that she had gotten out. She actually wrote me back asking me if I had any advice for her. I was actually surprised at this. Her page was a bit rough. She still had very sensual pictures on her page. I just simply told her she might want to take those down and change her orientation from bi to straight. She read the message immediately and actually did those things. We struck up a friendship on myspace and I was corresponding with often. I learned a lot firsthand about what they go through. She would talk about how  it was a struggle because of the having the money waved in her face and how it was hard to turn it down even when the bills were late.  Corrie was key, because there were still two very big lies that I believed about porn. One was that it was glamorous and that it was a very easy job. Boy did she enlighten me on that!   

I haven’t talked to Corrie in a while but I will never forget the role she played because it was through her that I gained a real heart for these men and women and began to see the truth behind the lies. Looking back now I see how God was working. Later that year in 2005 I read and article about The Trinity Project on the XXXChurch website. I knew who Mike and Craig were but who was this former porn star Shelley Lubben? I found her on myspace. She only had a handful of friends at the time. I sent her a request and began to follow her work and ministry. I liked it. She was very strong in the Word. She was very no nonsense and she wouldn’t risk compromising her values or beliefs. I would write her every now and then. Sometimes she would write me back. I could tell that she was a bit cautious of who I was. God began to give me favor though. We are both all about a good theological discussion and we would have those every now and then. Because of that she asked me to be a moderator in the forums she had just started on her webpage. I absolutely accepted the offer. This was great my first chance to actually do some good stuff in the fight against porn. Even so there was always this heart to help the people stuck in porn in front of the camera. I started a myspace page especially made to reach out to porn stars. When I would talk to them I would try to show that I’m not a fan and find the ones who were struggling with things. I would always come to Shelley and ask her questions when one of the porn stars would respond and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Most of the time, I would just point them to Shelley’s myspace. Little did I know that God’s purpose in this was to show Shelley that I would be a good person to help with her ministry. I met her in person for the first time in September of 2007. Since then I’ve been to two porn conventions, assisted Shelley at several of her speaking events and am now on the Board of Directors with the Pink Cross Foundation. The coolest thing is that all the things that were destroying my life for so many years are now being used for good.  Because of my experience with porn addiction I know what others are going through because I have been there. When we go to the conventions I know who many of the girls are. More than half of the time when Shelley asks me who someone is I can tell her who they are and who they work for. She will hear rumors about someone and she can ask me who they are and I know.  It was embarrassing at first but I saw how helpful it was. Though it was hell my experience with addiction has made me who I am today. 

If it weren’t for my addiction I would not be doing such fulfilling work for Christ like I am now. If I were offered a pill that would allow me to redo my life and eliminate my struggle with porn I wouldn’t take it because Romans 8:28 wouldn’t have been fulfilled in my life.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”